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Friday, February 5, 2010

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Toyota and the Jacksons I
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Lately there’s been a big buzz over Toyota cars exploding or transforming into Gobot overlords and then eating people or something like that. Oh right, their brake pedals stick down, or the accelerators stick down. What happens if they BOTH stick down? You’ve got nothing to complain about in that case then, have you.

No no, that’s not true either, you still have plenty to complain about. Namely, you’re driving a Toyota. I’d be grumbling and complaining all over the place regardless of the state of my brake pedal or accelerator if I had to squish into a stinky little plastic car whose company logo is clearly a symbol of Nazism.  Can you see the hidden swastika?  I used a different color brush to highlight the swastika they’ve incorporated into it.

If you can’t see it, then you’re an asshole sympathizer.  Or an anti-Obama Republican right wing nut.

Speaking of Toyotas, La Toyota Jackson is making her own news these days by claiming something about something about something about something Michael something Michael something Michael something something and somebody was wronged.

Holy fuck, the Jackson clan MUST have used up its quota for invoking the Michael Jackson name already, haven’t they?  I expect someone to come out with a Magic: The Gathering or Pokemon trading card version of the Jackson family so that they can just play a Jackson card instead of going through a whole contrived motion of  trying to get more money via injustice.  Granted, I’ve never played either game so I have no idea of how either would go, but I’d imagine the Jackson version would go something like this:

“Lessee, I have a Tito and Jermaine on the table…that means +2 to my defense plus I’m invulnerable to stone golems, but not fire golems.  What’s this?  Holy shit dude, you serious?  You’re bringing out the Joe Jackson?  Oh man…there goes my deck, Joe slaps for 20 points of damage each round and has the ability to absorb all the money on the table and pretty much ruins the game.  OH NO, he also has powers that turns any of his offspring into mutants!”

Anyways, that’s about it for this morning.  Given my track record lately for posting, that would mean this is all for the next week too, so we’ll see ya later!

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

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iPad I
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Apple revealed their latest revolutionary product called the iPad yesterday, which has of course raised the eyebrows of the technogeek world due to the fact that it sucks.  Blah blah.

Now that I have your attention with this super-trendy subject, I really really need to bring up the point that it seems like the world has almost entirely forgotten about David Lee Roth. What happened to us, world?  Have we forgotten where our priorities lie?  Have we lost our way?

When was the last time you saw David Lee Roth on TV?  Two weeks ago?  Three months ago?  Or are you one of the lucky people on his mail route and get to see his cheerful face each afternoon when he hands you your Dominoes Pizza coupons and other junk mail like cell phone bills and legal threats?

Sometimes I think that as a society, we get caught up in the unimportant trivial things, like iPads and eKindles and oRgasms and uPencil whatever else I can think of with a vowel attached to the front of the word. (Just once, let someone bust the trend and start a word with [drum roll please], a consonant!  gToaster?)    We have lost our way, world, David Lee Roth is not getting the attention he deserves.  Remember this the next time you download an app from the Apple Store, please think of what’s important in your life and make a change.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

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Broken RSS reader freedom I
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I broke my RSS feed reader last week and have yet to bother fixing it.

This means I haven’t read a blog in several days now, including yours.  Have I missed anything yet?  Are you still up to your old tricks?

The thing is that with all of this new found time each morning since I’m not reading blogs, I have plenty of extra time to develop and nurture alternate crippling internet addictions or expand my horizons beyond reading people’s blog caption contests or people’s political perspectives on Avatar and/or M.A.S.H. or their childrens fledgling senses of humor or the blood clots they developed in their uteruses or whatever people blog about each day.

For example, yesterday I went to some sort of news site and learned something about some earthquake in some country called ‘Haiti’, which sounds like a great place to be a looter, necrophiliac, or quite possibly both at the same time.  Have you heard about this??  Man, it sounds like paradise to me.  Not because I’m a necrophiliac, but because I’ve always wanted to walk out of some sort of collapsed building while holding a TV set and yelling French curse words.  Life doesn’t get any better than that, unless of course you’re drunk while doing it.

Yes, with all of this new time, this could be a new era of me.  A new era of time spent learning, broadening my horizons, a new era of having the free time each morning to masturbating onto a stiff old 1983 newspaper clipping of Nancy Reagan I keep in a special tube stored behind a broken piece of drywall near my desk.  The world is my oyster.

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

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Haiti update I
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This morning I was thinking about the Haiti earthquakes and was feeling sad about all of the people that died and were left homeless.

Then I thought about the ham and Swiss sandwich I got from Tim Horton’s last night didn’t have the extra Caesar sauce I requested.  Damn you Tim Horton, I PAID FOR THAT EXTRA SAUCE!!!

Oh wait, no I didn’t pay for it.  Still, I totally asked for more sauce and after a few bites I realized that “Hey, this totally has the normal – or perhaps even less than normal amount of sauce on it!”

To make matters worse with this whole situation, when I ordered a large ham and Swiss last night, they didn’t even have large buns.  They said due to a rule, I had to order TWO smalls to make the same as a large.  With two small sandwiches, that’s like way more sandwich crust involved than in one large sandwich, which is total bullshit.  It’s like saying, “Hey, do you want a couple pieces of hardassed crust with some meat and cheese and a little tiny bit of sauce between them to make up for a large, chewy bun that isn’t totally hard to eat?”

All of this grief and disappointment and tragedy didn’t happen at an entirely fast rate either – at the drive-through it took a few minutes to place the order (waiting for them to slowly write shit down the wrong way, perhaps?) and then at the pickup window there was another long delay, even though there was no one in front of us.

Hello?  Anyone there?  I haven’t eaten in something like hoursHoly crap Tim Hortons, I drove like five blocks out of my way for this kind of treatment.

So I guess in retrospect, Haiti has nothing to really complain about.  Sure, their little nation has been destroyed, but that’s because of a deal with the devil according to Pat Robertson, so okay – that evens things out between Haiti and I, and Haiti didn’t specifically order a ham and Swiss sandwich with extra sauce and then end up getting a ham and Swiss with like less sauce and in two tiny buns with a whole bunch more hard, crusty surface area.

Right, so I don’t hear CNN making a big deal about my situation yet this morning, but I guess it’s early still.

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

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Presidents and technology I
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According to the news, yesterday marked the first time in history that a president ‘tweeted’.

Far from being excited about the embrace of new technology by people in positions where embracing new technology usually means ‘approving laser guided robot spy hackers,’ or ‘assfucking communism with a new type of nuclear rocket that like expands and stuff making things really uncomfortable for like, communism or whatever,’ I find it quite hilarious that the president of the United States chose to use a new technology that limits him to 140 characters when he wants to say something.  (He’s the president of the most powerful nation in the world, he should be entitled to a few more characters here and there as necessary, shouldn’t he?)

Imagine trying to be the president of the United States of Chipotlemerica and running the country on 140 character edicts every day?  Your life would be entirely about “trying to find a four letter word for ‘disenfranchised youths’,” or, “having 20 characters left to convey urgency for passing a health care reform act.”

Incidentally, I imagine that’s much like the George W. Bush reign of terror was ran.  I imagine Dubya sitting in the oval office saying things that would have quite comfortably passed under Twitter’s 140 character limit like, “Hey, them guys in Efganstan, smarten ‘em up,” or “Someone make that Saddam guy get off my TV,” or “I like pickle juice. Y’all should too.”

Yes, time they are a-changing.  Soon we will see Obama blogging in the middle of the night about the glory days of Def Leppard, maybe Digging a whole bunch of photos of ski-jumping McGyver lookalikes, anonymously Skype chatting a 19 year old receptionist in Miami – his handle would be RadSurFR1987 – or even on Partypoker trying to disassociate what appears to be the avatar of an old lady in sunglasses from her forty dollars.

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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Apparently some dude tried to blow up a plane over Christmas with exploding underwear.  Like any sort of event involving airplanes, the world has responded by freaking the fuck out and installing super-duper scanning equipment at airports around the world for the slight cost of $18 trillion plus tax.

If you’ve seen the resolution of this scanning equipment, you’ll immediately realize that whatever you’re currently doing with your life right now, you’re in the wrong business.  You need to be in airport security where you have to check out people’s junk all day and get paid for it!

Well hello ma’am!  That ass-crack is the ass-crack of a TERRORIST!

Yes folks, I am retiring from my job as the pilot of Airwolf (been doing it for years, my handle is ‘Longfellow Perigrine McQuade’), drinking a bunch of rubbing alcohol and varnish to kill off what’s left of my brain cells, and joining the airport security team.  And yes, if you pass my checkpoint, I will be selling photos of you in your skivvies on the internet after I masturbate to them – unless of course you happen to be a man, in which case I will somehow blazackmail you by threatening to make public your Prince Albert.  Click that link, I dare you.

Of course, people are going to be crying about civil liberties and that because of the actions of one man, our dinks and beavers are going to be visible on a daily basis to the people who weren’t intelligent or motivated enough to become “personal security for Steve Miller”.  Yes, that’s true, and to reinforce your rabid beliefs, let me remind you of a famous quote from someone you might have heard of:

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.  Hey Thomas, is that your maid?  She’s totally hot.  Oh, that’s your daughter?  Tarnations, these spectacles offer neither focus nor discretion.  Jesus man, stop writing down everything I …

-Benjamin Franklin

Granted, the next thing that came out of his mouth was,

…Y’know, unless something get invented that allows us to see chick’s clams without them giving us permission, or hell, even knowing.  In that case then, maybe we should consider giving up just a little bit of freedom.  Since this is transcribed in longhand, you won’t see that “giving up just a little bit of freedom” in the last sentence was italicized, which is a shame since you won’t understand the slight change in tone which gives the sentence a slightly different contextual meaning as if I were being sly but also being serious at the same time.

-Benjamin Franklin

I’m against this stupid incessant drive to make the world a safer place by throwing up new security measure every time someone shits themselves on a plane.  Dude, have you ever watched an episode of “Jersey Shore” or a movie with Vin Diesel in it or driven through Los Angeles?  We need LESS people, so let’s let liberty reign, no security ever!

So, let me end this blog entry by stating that you should clearly revolt every time you’re at an airport.  Put up a stink, no one should have the right to see your choice of pubic hair styling just because some jackass tried to blow up a plane with explosive fruit of the looms.  Send an email to your local political representative, this time stating your disgust with the erosion of freedoms and rights instead of sending pictures of said political representative having sex with his latina maid in a parkade downtown over a series of months.  Speak out!  Unless of course you happen to be at an airport in a line somewhere in front of me – in that case, screw you and your liberties right in your ass that we’re all about to see on www.airportsecurityvoyeurporn.com.

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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

“If I wanted to see blue people fighting with bows and arrows, I would continue smothering this little tribesman I smuggled home from the rainforest in my luggage.”
-Me

I read this morning that Avatar is on its way to grossing more money than Elvis, the Beatles, Titanic, Striptease, Jimmy’s Seafood Shack, an empty tin can, Ron Howard, Jesus and Moses, and Baywatch combined.

While I applaud the fact that the stinking pile of shit that is Titanic will likely be dethroned after about 98 years as the top grossing film of all time (that was a reality documentary wasn’t it?), I’m a little concerned that James Cameron will be the one doing his own dethroning.

First of all, now that he has all of the money in the universe after getting rich off all these movies, will he buy our souls and make us work in some sort of spirit-mine after we die? I am not into working for James Cameron, despite him being a Canadian and therefore a wonderful humanitarian by that attribute alone, as we all know to be true. I don’t know how all this spirituality stuff works, but he is not going to own the mortgage on my ethereal junk.

Second of all, will his definition of beauty – Sigourney Weaver/Linda Hamilton/actresses with a whole bunch of angles and quite possibly not women at all with their penises and muscles and everything – become the societal standard definition of ‘beauty’? Dear James, Jimmy, I do not want to buy into your manly woman pr0n. I like that women are heroes and not relegated to whining and advertising hair products for 7500+ minutes in your movies, but man, if you ever boned one of your heroines for real, you would cut your elbow or knee on their face or shoulders during the sexual relations. At least one out of every two men agree with this statement, as long as I’m one of the two. (Also, please note: I don’t condone boning Sigourney Weaver or Linda Hamilton, I’m just speaking hypothetically.)

Third, I’m concerned about Jimmy Cameron making it okay for top-grossing films to suck total balls. While technically speaking, Titanic was possibly one of the worst movies ever conceived, at the very least it bared Kate Winslette’s boobs and therefore had at least one redeemable factor. Avatar, however, appears to have absolutely zero amount of Kate Winslette’s naked breasts (by screen time, in minutes), unless all of the trailers and movie reviewers carelessly left out that detail. If they did, shame on me and my lack of research for this entry. But even IF Avatar had Kate Winslette’s naked breasts (or even one naked breast, perhaps hanging from a shirt or feeding a newborn or writing a name in the snow with nipple-milk) I don’t think it could make up for a bunch of blue forest people who are not Smurfs being able to put up serious opposition to laser cannons, jets, tanks, and all sorts of modern technology. I call bullshit.

Last but not least disturbing about Cameron’s latest victory over all of our wallets, I totally do NOT forgive him for not first making a 3D documentary involving sex with his 3D technology. What better testbed for 3D than in a real bed?

Come to think of it, maybe not – I’d rather not see sperm flying at me in a dark room unless it was part of some ploy to pay off my student loans or to finance angular plastic surgery to make me beautiful in the eyes of society.

I urge you people to not spend your money on watching Avatar. Instead, consider spending your money on skin-tag removal products this winter. Your children will appreciate not seeing a floppy piece of flesh dangling on your neck any longer when you’re at the pool.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Monday, January 4, 2010

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Holy Shit, it’s back to work! I
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Hello fine citizens of the internet, is today the day you’re back at the office/school/truck stop to make a few bucks?

Yeah, I’m back at work today myself, and I totes squandered my holidays over the last couple of weeks. There were all sorts of things I procrastinated about from like September, “Yeah, when I have a few days off in a row, maybe at Christmas, I’m going to solve cancer/clean the closet/build a giant sexual device that flips someone upside down and shakes violently,” but of course, none of that stuff happened. I’ll do it this spring.

For the most part, I sat on the couch and ate things, sometimes for several concurrent days. Not eating fancy things like fruitcake or Gorgonzola or Christmas potato chips (Santa-Salt flavored), it was all more or less things like you would be eating as if you were going on a long trip for a month and needed to clean out the fridge. “Oh crap, there’s relish here in the fridge I completely forgot about … and there are some sort of whole-grain crackers in the cupboards … and tuna, hmmm, perhaps … they … can … work … together? In a symphony/explosion of taste?”

And for Christmas dinner there was pork instead of the usual turkey, we all know Jesus would have been 100% behind eating pulled pork roast slow-cooked in BBQ sauce. If J-bone had tasted pa-zork, in Brian 3:16 it would have surely stated, “And the Lord said, filleth thou slow-cookers 1/4 fill of sauce and onions and that’s all, cook that shitteth for however long, like all day, and eateth it, and praiseth the Lord for pork. And don’t forget to goeth to Church on Sundayeth, my children.” Just kidding, Jesus would have been against churches, he wasn’t all about propping up buildings and giving people fancy hats as far as I know.

However uneventful this holiday season was though, I’ve already been making plans for next year, You see, sitting on the couch so much this year and watching so many commercials featuring starving African children pouting to John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas” song, a fantastic idea for next year popped in my head. My idea is to have a drinking game next year at Christmas time – every time I see a starving African kid on TV, I’m going to have a shot of rum or vodka or maybe some sort of cheap tequila. “WELL HELLO YOU BEAUTIFUL STARVING AFRICAN CHILD *HIC* YOU ARE MAKING MY CHRISTMAS … COMPLETE! YESSSSssssSSSsSss, ANOTHER OXFAM COMMERCIAL!”

Holy crap, I’m going to get wrecked!

I realize that’s not entirely noble or classy, but then again, someone should benefit from all of those charity commercials. I may not end up sponsoring a child for only 39 cents a day, but I’m going to end up sponsoring my cirrhosis, which if you think about it, is much like a charity since it’s an exotic and important sounding word with that silent ‘h’ tucked in it.

Anyhoo, I hope your Christmas/New Years break was full of hot and steamy orgasms and your family and friends were all busy far far away and all their phones were broken and you could just do whatever you wanted for like a week straight without being interrupted by people going through the motions of wishing you a happy-this or merry-that, cause damnit, you deserve a nice break.

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Thursday, December 31, 2009

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New Year’s Eve 2009 I
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Some people thrive from being asked their holiday plans by strangers and heck, people in general. It’s almost like some people ENJOY being asked intrusive and pointless questions. But me – I always feel like saying something snarky because I generally dislike conversation, unless the conversation is about some way of rewarding me financially for something I have or have not done or else praising me for something I have or have not done with my penis.

The following is a list of things to reply to someone with if you’re like me and you’ve unfortunately been asked “What are you doing on New Year’s Eve?” by say, a client or a business contact who is making small-talk on the phone:

-”Myself and my wife have arranged a whole bunch of chimpanzees from the zoo to be brought in for the night. I bet you have no idea how long it takes to whip together 100 gallons of whipped cream and Astroglide for such an event.”

-”Checking out the situation.”

-”We’re attending a special party…saaaaaayyy, what are you doing tonight? I bet you’re totally into Lego and bondage! You want to come?”

-”Watching season 2 of Baywatch on DVD. David Hasselhoff will be narrating, but from the kitchen, he’s not allowed on the couch or in the living room.”

-”Two words: Coloring books.”

-”Eating pickles and fucking your mother.”

-”Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and the gang spend their whole day trapped and lost in a parking garage? Well, kinda like that, but with high-powered assault rifles and elderly people with Alzheimers and walkie-talkies and stuff. It’s a special once a year event – not quite charity, but not entirely for pleasure either. I mean yeah, it’s a lot of fun, but a week or two later I’m always regretting certain things, it’s hard to keep in mind that ‘things are done for the better’. I don’t want to get into details, can I tell you what I got for Christmas instead? Surprise, a high-powered assault rifle and some new running shoes!”

-”Usually by 10pm I’m out like a light. Eating baby flesh is like eating turkey, all the tryptophan knocks me right out. If I ever hear Dick Clarke’s voice, it’s a bloody miracle.”

-”Grabbing 2009’s ass on its way out. It’s a YILF, awwwww yeaaaaah.”

-”Going to church for midnight mass. Just kidding. Going to a mosque. Just kidding. Probably picking up some hooker and collecting more teeth for the miniature ferris-wheel ride project I’m building in my spare room.”

-”Watching porn with my kids.”

-”Anal bleaching appointment at 10pm, then hitting the gym, as long as it’s not burning too bad. Usually I can take it, unless the person doing the bleaching gets frisky.”

-”Private concert-slash-dance with Bon Jovi, but he won’t be playing, ohhhhhh no. He’ll be roasting over a big bonfire. Loverboy is playing.”

-”I’m sorry, could you rephrase that?” [Keep saying that until they hang up.]

Anyways, what are you all doing for New Year’s Eve? Just kidding, I don’t want to know.

Happy New Years, bitches!

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Monday, December 28, 2009

Overview
2000: Can’t remember
2001: Awesome
2002-2007: Moderately sucky
2007-2009: Awesome

Special Memories
Whenever it was ‘Friends’ finally went off the air: Awesome
Times of the day when ‘Friends’ hasn’t been on TV since then (5 occasions): Awesome

Notable Days
Sept 11, 2001: Holy fuck, great margaritas on the beach.
Sept 12, 2001: Terrorists? Let’s move on, already.
Yesterday: All-out Xbox gaming day.

How to Sum Up The Decade in One Sentence
“If it wasn’t ‘CSI: Whatever‘ in our faces for ten years, it was George Bush being all Mission Accomplished in our faces – if by “Mission Accomplished”, he meant the mission of fucking up the world.”

Your mission, dear reader, is to sum up the decade in one sentence on your own blog. Winner gets an autographed picture of me fighting ninjas!

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#The Insultatron#

#Top Commenters (For Whom I Reserve The Hugest Erections)#

@Where do my bitches come from?@

@Categories@

>Disclaimer

Everything here is a work of satire and fiction. Any resemblances to people, alive or dead, real or fictional, is purely coincidence even if it looks like it's not, or even when I explicitly say it's not, because I have poor judgement.

If you find this blog offensive, please leave and never come back, ever. Returning if you're offended is about the most retarded thing you can do.

If you're here to build a court case against me, fuck off. You're not allowed to be here.

Before you jihad me, realize that I don't even believe the things I say. For real. It's all a big sham. Thanks for visiting though.
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