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Nov 20 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Poorly Photoshopped Crap, Things I Overheard In My Head | Comments (0)

This is the Great Red Spot.  Some of you more familiar with extraterrestrial bodies (the ones that don’t involve insertion of proctological doodads) will automatically associate this image with the planet Jupiter.  That is good, I like an audience that’s more intelligent than I am, pity is a powerful motivator.

The Great Red Spot is an atmospheric storm that exceeds the size of Earth by two or three times.  For those of you that have a hard time grasping how large this is, it’s larger than Snoop Dog’s marijuana stash by at least 50% and Ashton Kutcher’s ego by as much as 15%.  Winds in this region can reach as much as 430 km/hr, which translates roughly into 12 mph if my math is correct, making it one of the most tempestuous regions in the entire solar system aside from Paris Hilton’s genital region.

New technology has exceeded scientist’s expectations; with Spectral Happyfun Infrared Imaging Technology (S.H.I.I.T.) originally pioneered in Japan to see through schoolgirls’ outer clothing, we can now see through the storm and spy what lies behind it.  The following image was taken last week by NASA, mere moments before they turned the equipment at the ladies bathroom walls (and thus forging ahead in the upskirt frontier).

(Don’t be mad, it was either that or increase funding to keep the astrogeek portion of NASA’s employee base happy.  NASA, and in turn you the taxpayer, just saved millions.)

Did you expect little green men?

Sorry for breaking the news to you, these fuckheads appear to be everywhere.


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By Poobomber | Posted in Poorly Photoshopped Crap, Things I Overheard In My Head |
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Nov 20 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Things I Overheard In My Head | Comments (10)
  • Elton John
    Does this guy look tough to you? No. What a pantywaist.

    Does this guy look tough to you? No. What a pantywaist.

  • Mia Farrow
  • Wayne Newton
  • Weird Al
  • That sickly looking kid from the movie “Road Trip”.  DJ Jazzy Quayle or something like that.
  • Vin Diesel
  • Paris Hilton
  • Randy Quaid AND Danny Devito at the same time!
  • Linda Ronstadt
  • Winona Ryder
  • Dee Snyder  (see how Dee Snyder and Wynna Ryder rhyme?  That was subconscious.)
  • Hulk Hogan’s wife (and daughter, or are they the same thing?)
  • Bobby Fischer
  • The Mac guy in the PC vs. Mac ads.  I’d beat him up twice if I had the chance.
  • Suge Knight
  • Edward James Olmos.  Kidding, he could take me, I think.

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By Poobomber | Posted in Things I Overheard In My Head |
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Nov 20 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Inter-Blog Fraternization | Comments (15)

Blogs I subscribe to, love, and would like to comment on all the time on but they don’t allow self-hosted bloggers like me with only a name/URL:

Blogs I haven’t read, won’t read, and probably wouldn’t care less if they had only name/URL restrictions on comments:

Awesome bloggers who caved into my pleadings and have now moved on to a fuller, richer life with my comments in it:

People that should write blogs but don’t as far as I know:

  • Augusto
  • Dog Breath

People whose blogs are fucking FANTASTIC and I read every single post like a fanatic, but I can just never think of anything to leave in the comments and as such, they probably think I’m a prick, or maybe they don’t even think about me at all, which is kinda unfathomable:

Blog that I love reading and was just chosen by moving the mouse randomly along my RSS feeds and then opening my eyes to see which blog my mouse is hovering over:

Bloggers that need to write more often because I said so:

Bloggers that need to write less:

Bloggers who I subscribe to, read every day, enjoy thoroughly, and really need to add to my blogroll:

  • Many.  Feel free to drop me a hint.

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Nov 20 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (4)

Top court backs free seat ruling for some disabled, obese travellers

The Supreme Court has upheld a regulatory ruling forcing Canadian airlines to offer a free extra seat to certain disabled and obese people.

In a decision released without comment Thursday, Canada’s top court rejected an application by Air Canada and WestJet for permission to appeal a Canadian Transportation Agency ruling issued earlier this year.

The court’s decision means airlines must offer a “one person, one fare” policy to disabled people who require room for an attendant during the flight or require extra room for a wheelchair, or for people who are clinically obese and take up more than one seat

Top court backs free seat ruling for some disabled, obese travellers.

I can just imagine the discussion when a morbidly obese person is ordering a ticket over the phone:

Big boned person: Yes, I will also need the two seats next to me to be empty.

Ticket agent:  We will have to charge you for these extra seats.

Big boned person: No, you can’t.  I’m fat.

Ticket agent:  How fat?

Big boned person: If I sat on you, I’d crush you.

Ticket agent:  But I’m pretty small.  Are you sure you wouldn’t just break a few bones?

Big boned person: No, I’m pretty sure you’d at least have internal injuries.

Ticket agent:  Okay, how much do you weigh and how tall are you?

Big boned person: I’m 5′7″ and 827 pounds.

Ticket agent:  Hold on one second … Okay … My supervisor directs me to ask you if that’s around the waist or like in your head or feet?

Big boned person: It’s around my waist.  Do you want me to send a picture?

Ticket agent:  Yes please…email it to us right now while we’re on the phone if you can.

Big boned person: Yes, I just sent it.

Ticket agent:  Okay, I have it now.  Are you sure a lot of this isn’t just … y’know…penis?

Big boned person: I wish it were, but sadly it’s just lumps of juicy fat.

Ticket agent:  I, uh, my…umm, supervisor, tells me to ask you to send a picture of your penis.  If it’s not too much trouble…

Big boned person: Yes it is, I’m SHOCKED and DISGUSTED.

Ticket agent:  Okay okay.  Don’t worry about it.  Now…it looks like in this picture if you leaned hard to the right you would only need one extra seat to accomodate your, um, largeness.  I have you booked with one extra seat now, thank you for calling Air Canada!

Big boned person: Hold ON here a minute!!!  I can’t do that for a 6 hour flight!!!

Ticket agent:  I’m sure you could just shift a bit of that to the right side and it’d kind of pull you over a bit, you know?

Big boned person: No, it doesn’t work like that.  I need TWO extra seats.

Ticket agent:  My supervisor is a bit overweight and he says he can tuck his rolls off to one side if he needs to.

Big boned person: Yeah, maybe HE can, but my fat is like, uh, hard.  You can’t shift it and squish it around like that!

Ticket agent:  My booking software tells me to ask you if you can bounce quarters off it, or will the quarter just kind of fall straight down.

Big boned person: Are you for real?

Ticket agent:  Yes, we need this information for government purposes.

Big boned person: Okay, I just threw one at myself and it bounced off and left a big red mark.

Ticket agent:  I umm, I’m afraid that’s not the type of fat that’ll let you have an extra seat.

Big boned person: What?  This is bullshit.  Forget it, I’ll find another way there.  Screw your fucking questions.  Goodbye. [click]

Ticket agent:  Perfect, thank you for calling Air Canada!  Lardass fuckhead!  Try eating less pizza and you won’t have to drive!  God I hate my job.

Supervisor:  What happened?

Ticket agent:  Just another ginormous fat fuck trying to get freebies.

Supervisor:  Did you eventually get him to hang up?

Ticket agent:  Yeah.

Supervisor:  Perfect.  You’re bucking for a management job, aren’t you!  Devil!  I’ll mark you down for your bonus!  Good work!


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By Poobomber | Posted in Uncategorized |
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Nov 20 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Dr. Zibbs, Poorly Photoshopped Crap | Comments (10)

Once again, if you didn’t read the previous posts, this won’t make a lot of sense, but I’ll refresh everyone’s memory anyways.

Dr. Zibbs held a contest, and the winner would become his new best friend and receive 5 emails from him recounting the adventures they’d have together.  I was blessed by Jesus and won the competition!

So now I’m receiving emails from Dr. Zibbs that recount our adventures, and fortunately for him, I had the digital camera to back up his stories!

If you recall, his last email placed us in Las Vegas, surrounded by people like Carrot Top and Criss Angel and other lesser-known celebrities who aren’t talented enough to make it outside of Vegas. The story continues.

..To hell with the Elvis impersonators! Let’s just go into the Bellagio…. What the hell? I can’t believe they put up that huge sign in my honor. Wasn’t that great?

Oh yeah, that was really cool of them to roll out the red carpet for you. Remember this picture? Remember when they wrote your name in the fountain and you got really excited and ran through the water and kept breaking the fountain streams with your hands until they hauled you away? Hahaha, that was funny, but bailing you out of jail was NOT funny. Remember what jail in Vegas was like? Yeah, hookers and drunk conventioneers everywhere. Did I tell you that I saw Henry Winkler in another cell when I was coming to get you? He didn't look impressed.

And how great was it when we went inside and saw some of the That Blue Yak hotties? Catering to our every need. Damn I’ve got some good looking readers. Hey I’m not complaining.

Okay BFF, I'm looking through the memory card here and I can't see any pictures of hot women in Vegas. I have this picture though, I remember these three guys being pretty stoked to meet you. They couldn't contain their enthusiasm! I'm still kinda peeved that you left with them for so long. You didn't even tell me you were going anywhere, I just turned around from my slot machine and all you guys were gone. You guys must have went and caught a show, because you were gone for hours. It's okay, I'll get over it, but BFF's DON'T leave their BFF's hanging, you know? We need to practice that part.

And we went up to that Night Club, “The Bank”? But how weird was it that we saw some of the guys that read That Blue Yak? Dressed as security guards. As if we didn’t know it was them. I swear they were trying to hone in on your BFF week. You won the contest - not them! Stupid Ingrates!

I don't know what was going on in this picture, but it's the only one I have from "The Bank". I must have been too busy to take any more photos. Whoops. But this is pretty cool, that old security guard just kinda made himself at home on your lap and ate his donuts. Haha, you were squirming and uncomfortable - he must have been heavy! And he didn't even share! He even gave you ten dollars after he was done. What was THAT all about?

As you can see, we were having a blast … I hope Zibbs goes on to tell us about our adventures in Los Angeles after this!! Man, that town was bizarre!


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By Poobomber | Posted in Dr. Zibbs, Poorly Photoshopped Crap |
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Nov 20 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Nostalgia | Comments (13)

I’ve heard people’s stories about how their favorite toy was a GI Joe action figure, or a doll whose eyelids inexplicably opened themselves when it was subjected to a pitch of more than 45 degrees (remember THOSE frikking creepy things?), or maybe a Transformer whose Autobot color-changing label was rubbed into a state of malfunction by their owner’s excited and snotty fingers.

When I hear these stories, I think to myself, “Wow, you are one complicated and hip person.”  (Usually because these people have combed their hair, nothing to do with their selection of toys as a child.)

See, my favorite toy as a child had far less depth to it.  My favorite toy on planet earth as a kid was … ready for it? …. a rake.  Are you overwhelmed? Are you shocked?  Too tired from late night sexual relations to think?

Yeah, it’s true - I played with a worn out and broken down leaf rake.  I’d tie a string around the handle and drag that sucker all over the yard and make plumes of dust that went so high they must have tickled God’s platinum-painted toenails (he’s a little strange when it’s sandal season).

My second favorite toy wasn’t really one particular object - it was more a class of objects, namely objects made of corrugated cardboard.  Like, uhm, cardboard boxes.  Yep, I loved cardboard boxes.  Back when it was still okay for kids to play with knives and scissors, I would cut and tape cardboard boxes into whatever my imagination could dredge up.  The General Lee?  No problem, I could whip something fancy like that up in a matter of minutes.

My third favorite ‘toy’ wasn’t one particular toy either, it was string, twine, or rope.  I would play with twine or string nonstop.  I don’t remember what I would do with it in particular, I just remember that my mother would enter my bedroom and see strands of orange colored twine spanning from whatever object was high enough that I could anchor it to usually to the next highest object that I could anchor it to.  I’m sure there were times I was trying to trap my mother with rope also, I have a mental image about tying someone’s ankles together while they were unconscious.  No, wait, that was more recent…last week sort of recent.  Never mind the last bit.

Yep, I was a simple child, no fancy toys for me.  I had a great time, thankyouverymuch.  And yes, I’m still comparatively simple 33 years later.  Some things just stay with you.


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By Poobomber | Posted in Nostalgia |
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Nov 19 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Google And Its Users Provide Me With Unlimited Amusement | Comments (9)

My favorite Google searches from the past 24 hours include (I stripped out all the usual suspects, like Dolph Lundgren naked and stuff, they’re getting boring):

  • “shakey shake”

More than three times and it’s called “Playing with it.”

  • going to have to pass

Yeah, me too.

  • things i learned in florida

Don’t touch Cubans, they hate that.

  • charlie sheen’s cock

I wonder if this person was ever successful?

  • Hermaphrodite FUCKED

The all-caps word “FUCKED” kinda scares me.  Does Google sense your excitement level and um, make the searched turn out better for you?

  • video of man punching cow

Don’t do that in India.

  • picture then about me on the side

I’ll picture you however the hell I want, thanks.

  • what will george bush do after his presidencay

Probally rite buks.

  • how much you make being a prone star

Not as much as if you were upright or stretched out horizontally.

  • PLUX PORTUGAL

Plux them ALL, right in the ass!!!

  • what you should charge to do stand up comedy

Expenses?

  • WHERE THE HELL IS THE PANIC BUTTON

Right next to…no..ack..not that…Jesus, you hit the CHARLIE SHEEN COCK BUTTON!

  • cunt stabbing

Kids these days.  I thought ‘cutting’ was loony, but they just keep on surprising me.

  • diaperd woman in fiction stories

Why not REAL stories?  People just aren’t easily satisfied these days.

  • jesus died as a perfect subtitute

For baking powder?

  • “ok where the hell is the panic button”

GAH, STAY AWAY FROM THE CHARLIE SHEEN COCK BUTTON!!

  • bollywoodporn fake

Seriously, why don’t people look for the real thing?

  • serious women in diaper

Oh, nevermind my last comment, this guy is serious.

  • how to take a shit while camping

Probably out of your eyeballs.  Jesus.  Why are people so fucking retarded?

  • war jennifer anston angelina

Congress just passed another $100 billion this year to “stay the course”.

  • I will have to pass on this one

Me too, again.


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By Poobomber | Posted in Google And Its Users Provide Me With Unlimited Amusement |
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Nov 19 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Dr. Zibbs, Poorly Photoshopped Crap | Comments (13)

If you’re not up on the story, please read the previous post. This is a continuation, so if you haven’t read the last one this will be like watching an episode of Seinfeld after 3.6 minutes have passed.

This is the second email from Dr. Zibbs, who recounts our journey from St. Louis to Las Vegas.  Once again, I’ve added the pictures and some captions to tell my side of our adventures.

.. I can’t believe we had to parachute out of the plane. And who thought we’d be directly over St Loius?

BFF's won't mention how their BFF spells St. Louis. If I recall, you liked that parachute jump a little more than would seem normal. But what do I know, this was my first time!

Since we were there, I’m glad we decided to go see Gwen. I can’t believe she was serious about taking a dump in the sink at work like she said in your comments.

Well, technically it was ON the sink, not in it. And it's convenient that she works at a stainless steel bathroom fixture manufacturing plant, so it wasn't even like a big feat or anything. But I have to admit, making the heart shape is probably a challenge. WTG Gwennie!

Well, good thing Saint Louis has a crappy zoo which means crappy security which means we got ourselves some free crappy transportation. Camels. Remember I named mine crappy? Anyway, that was a great ride through the Rocky’s and finally into Vegas.

BFF's like me are awesomely patient. I remember waiting a whole 15 minutes outside this place for you to return. Also, BFF's like me are awesome because we're good with lending money - after this part of the trip you were broke and I had to pay for everything!

I can’t believe that Carrot Top and Chris Angel had the gaul to try and talk to me. I can’t stand D list celebrities. Now onto to track down a few Elvis impersonators and hot chicks to party with. Yeee HAwww!

BFF's like me have no problem setting the record straight. For the record, you seemed to be rather enthused to meet them, then the next morning you had TWO wedding rings on your finger and you were walking a little funny. But you know what? BFF's like me KNOW that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. We didn't ever find the impersonators and hot chicks did we, BFF! Hahah, funny how plans get all messed up like that!


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By Poobomber | Posted in Dr. Zibbs, Poorly Photoshopped Crap |
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Nov 19 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Dr. Zibbs, Poorly Photoshopped Crap | Comments (11)

Part of the prize of becoming Zibb’s BFF was that he promised to send me 5 emails, recounting our adventures together.  I took the liberty of putting the photos from our shenanigans up here on my blog.  I didn’t ask his permission, but BFF’s don’t need permission.

…”Well do you believe I actually took a dump in your sink? Well guess what? I didn’t. That was a look-a-like. Do you think I would risk exposing my perfectly round ass in public. It would be on the news in seconds.

He's right!!! That was MICHAEL DOUGLAS on my toilet! Damnit! BFF's always play pranks on each other.

Anyways, I wanted to tell you that it was pretty cool this morning when we rented that monster truck and rode into the city to the airport. Crushing everything in our path.

My new BFF tends to exaggerate. But BFF's roll with the story, no matter how enlarged it may be.

And I’m also glad we prepared by dressing up as pilots so we could fly the plane to Vegas. Oh yeah. This is gonna be great. And all of the Swedish Stewardess on board?…Oh yeah!

Easy, he didn't sleep with any of them. He's not like that. Okay okay, just the girl on the right. (BFF's lie for each other, right?)

And I can’t believe we’re actually BBQing on the plane! Let me just roll the window down to get rid of some of the smoke..AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! AAHHHH!!!!

I forgot to bring the buns. Fortunately BFF's FORGIVE each other when things go wrong. We got over it and had a great time until he opened the window. We lost 15 people that flight, but you know what? I FORGAVE HIM, because that's what BFF's do. No biggie, right?


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By Poobomber | Posted in Dr. Zibbs, Poorly Photoshopped Crap |
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Nov 19 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 –
By Poobomber | Posted in Inter-Blog Fraternization | Comments (12)

I just wanted to rub it in your face, world.  I won Dr. Zibb’s contest to become his newest BFF!

Stay tuned - I’ll do another pictoral today of the things I see the good Doctor and I doing together on our adventures!


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By Poobomber | Posted in Inter-Blog Fraternization |
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