Yesterday, Dr. Zibbs announced that he would be having a contest to decide who would be his BFF by getting them to describe the perfect day with him. I submitted the following entry, but this morning I decided to up my game by adding pictures. I really want to win this contest!
In lieu of his actual picture I have submitted Bill Pullman’s face, who I imagine Zibbsy to look like and is also the most random face I could think of at the moment.
A Day In The Life of You And I
Okay, this would all take place in Florida.
First of all, you and I would go out for breakfast. There would be very little talking; we would order omlettes (you would have a ham and cheese and I would have a loaded) and we’d sit and read the newspaper quietly, maybe occasionally asking each other how our coffee is or pointing out silly things in the paper. At some point you’d pretend to talk about the stock market like you were reading symbols from the paper, but then I’d pull the paper down and see that it was the daily comics you were looking at, and we’d have a good laugh and then go back to drinking coffee quietly.
Then we’d go for a drive around and see how long it took a couple of gringos like us to get carjacked. You would win the bet we’d have between us about how long it might take because I imagine you to be perfect at estimations.
After that, we’d get another car and drive down to the beach. You’d be excited and running along the beach in front of me picking up seashells. Then when your pockets got full, you’d turn your attention to bikini-clad chicks and make funny comments about their thongs. I’d laugh and laugh and direct your attention everywhere and you’d keep on commenting and maybe try out some suave pick up lines on them for a laugh.
Then we’d drive up to Disney World. I’d buy you a ticket and sit in the car and nap while you had your fun for the afternoon. You’d return to the parking lot hours later with ice cream all over your face and wander around hopelessly looking for the car. Eventually I’d spot you trying to break into a BMW and stop you from getting arrested in your sugar-induced frenzy.
Then we’d drive over to Sea World, I’d pay for the tickets again and we’d go and sit in front of the whale tank and try and get splashed. I imagine you getting really excited and having a little happy freak out when the whale finally splashes you.
After that, we’d go and get our pictures taken in one of those bandit-brothel places where you dress up and they do a daguerreotype photo that you buy. But we’d ask some random elderly lady to join us and dress up like a prostitute. You’d be trying to hold your fingers up behind her head and the photographer would be getting really frustrated with you. We’d laugh a lot and the old lady would be generally clueless. We’d skip out on paying for the pictures because “They aren’t good quality” and run off before the proprietor could catch us.
Then in the evening, we’d go and find some cheap Miami-Vice type suits and hit the clubs! I’d dare you to wander around asking ladies if they wanted a fleshy filling, and you’d be getting more and more drunk every hour to the point where you couldn’t stand and the bouncers would kick us out and maybe beat us up a bit.
Then we’d call it a night and return to our separate hotel rooms, but just as I would be falling asleep, you’d be banging on the door and crying about how you just saw America’s Funniest Home Videos on the TV and some little girl was mean to her brother on it and how that reminded you of something that happened to you when you were little. I’d let you in and console you, then you’d get rowdy and try and fight me and I’d calm you down and give you some ice cubes or Halls to suck on until you fell asleep on the floor.
That’s our day.
hahahahahahahahhahaahaha…
aaaahahahahahahahaha…
oh poo.
Well done Poo. If you can act out the scene with puppets and put in on Youtube within the next hour I’ll declare you the winner.
utterly hilarious…. just shot over here from Zibbs place…. I can’t stop giggling.
Will you accept sock puppets? Damn, I don’t know how to work Youtube either. Well, I give up, this is as good as it gets.
You’re going to be a demanding BFF. I can see it now, if I don’t call you every second day you’ll be crying and wondering why I don’t care.
The pictures make it so much more real!
Nicely done. Think Zibbs would accept finger condom puppets over just regular old puppets? I could send you some Poo.
I don’t think we have time for that now, I’d have to improvise. But you can send me the finger condoms anyways, they’d probably fit just right as a regular condom.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I cannot stop laughing!!!! The pictures make it so much better! haaaha.
Two things: I want in on that “think tank” breakfast meeting with you two and can I have a copy of that picture from the bandit brothel place? I want to put it on my fireplace mantle.
Heee, I can’t stop laughing either – especially the last picture, it cracks me up every time I see it.
You can have whatever you’d like, but it’s not the REAL picture, see. The real one has an old lady dressed up like a prostitute with us.
What lovely Photoshopping. I actually cried a single tear looking at Pullman by the killer whale tank.
You’ve outdone yourself, PB! I think you should ask Zibb’s spouse if the two of you can have joint custody of him. I think he’d benefit greatly.
Nicely done. I gave 100% to my entry because I thought you could use the competition.
I fear I wouldn’t have the patience to be the BFF of someone who is such a high-maintenance friend.
I’m just saying…you could do better…like maybe me, your most loyal fan.
Becks: He should be in a Disney film with that mug of his!
SG: I could teach him so many things, like “How to annoy his wife” and “How daddy doesn’t like it when people beat him in car racing games.”
Gwennie: You’re alive! Well, you have breasts and right there, I’m up against stiff competition when it comes to DZ.
Augusto: You have a point after all. Would you whine when I choose to spend Saturday night at home instead of going out? I don’t think you would Yes, yes, you’re probably a much better BFF. Plus you always vote for me, so you’re super awesome.
BFF means forever!
I just don’t see you settling down like that.
You totally deserve the win. I can’t stop laughing at the pics – especially the Disney one, the Sea World one and the last one. Goddamn this is funny.
I am still laughing, I’ll have you know. I also love the picking seashells photo. Hahahahahaha
DB: You might be right. Now I’m having seconds thoughts about the whole thing.
Fally: i hope you peed yourself a little, then my life would be complete.
So, will you agree to the drag pictures when you win?
If someone buys me the clothes I will. But they have to be very feminine and lavender colored (goes with my skin tone). And lace, oh yeah, lace. Or satin. Silk is nice, a nice silk blouse would be pretty. My shoe size is 14 too so I’ll need heels in that size, which are hard to find, trust me. Do I get to wear nylons too? That’d be awesome. Now I’m pricing out tampons online. They’re pretty cheap, so I can go the full route here easy if someone’s going to cover the cost.
Oh, I’ll also need a faux fur shawl too – NOT cheap. Darn, we’d better forget it.
If I were the contest judge, you would SO win. I spoke with Bill Pullman earlier today and he saw your blog and believes all that actually happened. He seemed to remember everything except the BMW break-in. He could have sworn it was a Volvo.
HOW’S BILLY DOING?!?? It’s been forever since we talked! Literally! Forever! I’ve never talked to him! Can you believe it? Him and I have so much in common – he eats food and so do I! And, umm, he starred in Airplane and I’ve BEEN in an airplane!
OMG!! SOOOOOO hilarious, Dan! You have truly outdone yourself! This is so funny! The Seaworld pic is my fav. You are such the rock star.
p.s. I didn’t know Zibbs had a black man’s arms?
Black man arms? Oh yeah, well it’s Florida, he’s got a good tan – just like the president of Italy said that Obama had. You didn’t notice the pantsuit an breasts though in the carjacking picture? Or is that normal for dear Zibbsy?
Holy shit that is SO FLIPPIN FUNNY!!!
Well Done!
- Jennifer
I don’t know about Falwless, but I defiantely peed *my* pants.