Transcripts from the first post-election interview with GWB:

Good morning President Bush, thank you for coming.

Yeh, I’m still the president I guess!  Thanks for havin’ me!  Nice shirt y’got there, is that Armandi?  I had one of them once, thing never seemed to stay dry.

Uh, let’s get down to the interview shall we?  First of all, tell us how you feel about the election results from last week?

Last week?  Oh right!  ‘Meant everything I said.  We getting coffee or something to drink soon?  This…this New York air, it’s not right.  All dried out or somethin’.

You have a cup right in front of you.  “Meant everything you said?”  You didn’t really say ANYTHING yet, President Bush.

Oh, right right.  Heh, there’s that cup right in front of me!  Why didn’t I see that?  Heh. [takes drink]  This Nabob?  I only drink Nabob.  Tastes like it.

President Bush, will you please comment on the election?

Right, sure thing.  Uh…I guess what it all boils down to is…um…it’s great that Barack Obama won, really, this is an historic event in history.  Uh…he’s like the first person from Chicago to ever be president I think.  No wait, there was that other…yeah, oh, right, he’s black!  Great job Barack.  Really, really good.

‘Course my guy didn’t win.  Really a no-brainer right there eh?  I voted for McCain of course, said he was goin’ get me a job after he won.  Barack didn’t promise me anything I don’t think.  ‘Fact, I think he called me some bad stuff during the election.  Can’t really be, uhhh.  This is Nabob, for sure.  Right out of Co-lum-bee-ah.  Mnnn.  This real sugar?  I’m told not to drink aspirintame or whatever that stuff is because it causes ca…

Let’s move on shall we?  Tell us about your meeting with Mr. Obama on Monday.

Right, right.  The meeting.  I was…I…I called former president Clinton right before and said “Hey good buddy, I hope I can be as gracious as you was.”  And … I guess that’s it.  No, wait, he walked around the place, said stuff, and really, it was great.  Great.  Yeah, we shook hands n’ stuff, showed him where the water fountains was in case he got thirsty.  Sorta…y’know, it went well.  He talked a lot ’bout his kids and I showed him the bedrooms an’ we sat in chairs.  I guess his wife is lookin’ at changin’ the curtains or something, so I’m taking mine with me back to Crawford.  That’s it.  Had a tape measure with him, measured some things.

Speaking of that, what are your plans after your term is finished?

What’s that?  Right, my term.  Uh, I’m gonna write a book I think.  I have some great stories.  Like, um, there once was these two kids that got lost in the forest and they dropped some bread crumbs as they walked and then, umm, they got lost and a Coast Guard chopper found them before the evil witch ate them.  Is that makin’ any sense?  No, umm.  I think I’ll do some huntin’.

Oh wait, no, I have … I know what I’m gonna do.  Came to me just now.  I want to make glass things.  Glass-blowin’.  Looks like fun.

Right now your popularity in the polls is at an all time low.  Tell us how you feel about that.

Hey, if I wanted to be popular I’d be a rock star right?  Bein’…bein’ President isn’t about bein’ cool.  It’s about making the tough decisions no one else wants to make.  Right?  Got some results here.  Look at…um, see the things I did?  Heh.  You know, history will look back at me and paint a different picture.  Sure it’s easy to criticize me n’all.  Right NOW.  But you look…in ten years people will see what I done and say to themselves, “Hey he really did a good job there with that…”  Umm…that…that war thing.  Right?

Does it upset you to have such a low approval rating?

No, heck. I mean sometimes I cry.  Y’know, every morning once or twice.  It doesn’t hurt though.  Jus’ cryin.  I know that people are jus’ saying how they feel RIGHT NOW, and not like over my whole…darn words…whole presidencery.  Also know people would like me for me.  No one knows the real George, y’know?  Like…if they could sit down and drink coffee with me like you n’ I are doin’ right now, I mean, hey, I’ve got some good jokes n’ everything!  Rabbi walks into a bar with them dreadlock things they have danglin’ from their ears…

Uh, stop.  Do you have any regrets about the things you did during your term?

Yeah, I have a couple.  That thing where I parachuted into a stadium and threw the first pitch of that ball game.  I missed the zone.  The strike zone I mean.  Tried to throw a fancy knuckle ball and the darn thing spun down out of the strike zone.  Embarassin’ considering I owned a baseball team, right?  Well you live and lesson, err, learn.  Wait, I didn’t parachute in.  I have that wrong.  Limo brought me.

Uh, okay.  Any other regrets?

There was this one time when those guys flew them planes into the buildings.  9/11.  That morning.  I was at a place with kids and readin’ them a story and someone came up an’ told me what was goin on.  I don’t think I finished that story.  Maybe I did.  Them kids are probably still waiting for me to finish that book.  They must be sixteen years older now right?  Probably gave up on education ’cause of me.  Coulda been some Harvard kids in there that day.  Never know.

Also when we had that big banner ‘cross that big ship there right after the war started.  ‘Said “Mission Accomplished”.  I…I had that all wrong really.  Should have been … should have said “We’re off to a good start here” or somethin’ else maybe.  Not sure what it shoulda said.  I coulda made it say anything really.  Maybe some saying from Texas or something like “Look out Saddam we’re comin’ for you.”

I like this coffee.  Good stuff.  Good job, coffee maker person!  Wanna come work for me?

Tell us what you plan on doing for the rest of your term in office.

I…I guess we’re gonna stay the course.  Keep on fixin’ this economy.  I have a lot planned actually.  I guess I have a bunch of museums to open…an’ uh.  You know.  The usual sort of stuff.  Them democrats are goin’ to make it hard to do anything really.  So I guess not a whole lot.

Vice President Palin asked me to come to Alaska and look at the drillin’ they’re doin’ up there.  Wait, she’s not vice president is she?  No.  Well, whatever she is.  Yeah, Alaska.  Maybe … maybe I’ll get a head start on the glass-blowin’ thing.  Never know.

Seems like a good time to start packin’ stuff up too.  I have a lot of boxes in the basement I need to go through….you know, old pictures and stuff.  High school girlfriends, parties, that sort of thing.  I had half of them… uh…you know, those people aren’t ’round any more, so it’s all I got.  Important to me, these pictures.  I hate movin’.  Forces you to look at your life, really.  It’s hard.

Well, thank you for your time President Bush.

Sure, sure.  Anytime.  Thanks for havin’ me.  How do I get out of here now anyways.  Is…are we still being taped?  Galldarn New York food.  There a bathroom ’round here?