Clay Aiken is gay.

Yep, I just found out this morning.  I had no clue.  Now what?  How do I pick up the pieces and move on?  Yeesh.

There are a lot of celebrities out there that are gay that no one realizes.

Elton John for one.  Liberace was gay also.  Ellen Degeneres?  Gay.  George Michael, perhaps thought of as the world’s manliest man – is also gay.  KD Lang?  Vegetarian.  And gay.

How about Chuck Norris?  Gay.  Steven Segal?  Likes Asian boys.  Jon Bon Jovi occasionally has his anus entered by gentlemen.  No biggie.

In fact, I’m pretty sure EVERY celebrity is gay.    Do you think John Wayne swaggered like that because he was tough?  No, he swaggered like that in his movies because the previous night before filming was spent frolicking with dark Italian men in vats full of pink jello.

I for one prefer it that way.  I wish more people were gay, maybe smoking would still be acceptable in restaurants if more gay people owned them.  Public washrooms might be a lot cleaner, and if more city mayors were gay, there would probably be a lot more flowers in public places.  And more flowers in public places means that it’s a lot easier for me to get my mom a bouquet for mother’s day.

Also, every gay person I’ve met has been pretty awesome and chillax.  I bet spilling a cup of coffee on a gay person’s brand new carpet is nothing to them compared to them telling their father that he’s probably never going to have grandchildren.  I’m pretty sure that coming out of the closet has a big way of putting trivial issues into perspective.

I bet Jesus was gay.  Who did he surround himself with?  A bunch of men.  Did he get married?  Nope, he never even had a girlfriend as far as we know. If he were straight, for SURE the Bible would be full of quotes like, “My brothers, I decree that last night thouest truly did bang twelve hot Sodomites in El Casa de Awesomness,” or, “Take a wild guess which Son of God got a B.J. during the sermon on the mount?  THIS Son of God, Amen!”

Jesus made water into wine for God’s sakes – if he were straight he would have made water into Budweiser or whiskey.  He also walked everywhere, if he were a heterosexual he probably would have drove a big massive truck from place to place, preaching and firing “Christianity Rocks” t-shirts from a big air cannon mounted in the back.

Did you ever read Psalms 14 where Jesus punched out a bunch of guys that were being loud outside his window while he was trying to sleep?  No, that’s because I made it up just now.  He was gentle and forgiving and you never heard of him doing anything a testosterone-laden straight man would have done if he were pissed off.  There are no quotes in the bible either about how Jesus peed on people walking by him while he was up on the cross, because that’s the sort of dumb thing us hetero guys would be doing and bragging about.

Also when Jesus came back from the dead, the first thing he did was carry on his mission.  If he were a straight guy, he would have probably given up on the whole preaching business and went and worked on his restored Trans Am in the garage instead.  Cause a straight guy would rather do anything than walk around talking to strange people and improving himself, especially when pain of death may be involved.

Anyways, that’s about all I have to say about gay people for right now.