I was watching a few of the old James Bond movies last night – Goldfinger, Thunderball, and Moonraker – and I learned an important thing about getting women to like you: you need to be a practitioner of rape.
Seriously, in three movies I’m sure James Bond committed 9 acts of sexual assault and if a judge and jury during a trial watched Bond’s sexploits TODAY they would surely be happy to send 007 off to a cold jail cell for the rest of his life. I suppose in jail he’d get a new number, like “Prisoner 1657890″ – hardly a sexy number if I do say so myself.
I’d like to take this opportunity to rename some of the Bond films:
- Dr. No Means Yes
- From Russia With Forced Penetration
- Goldfondler
- Thunderballs & Lightningcock
- On Her Majesty’s Sexual Deviant Warning List
- Diamonds Are Forever, Rape Is Only 7-10
- Live and Let’s Fuck Now Whether Or Not You Want To
- The Man With The Golden Gun That Has Identifiable Markings
- The Spy Who Unwantedly Shagged Me
- Moonraper
- Octopillage
- Never Say No Again
- For Your And The Court’s Eyes Only
- A View To A Segregated Jail Cell
- The Living Daylight Is Too Bright Out To Force Yourself Upon Your Victim So You Should Wait Till Night
- License To Violate
- Goldenchloroform
- The World Is Not Enough But You Can Settle For Molestation
- Abuse Another Day
- Casino Despoil
- Quantum of Ravage
Here’s something else Bond could only get away with in the 60′s:
(Also note the woman’s name was ‘Dink’. She must have been Swedish. Or else she had a penis.)
Here are some of the finer moments where Mr. Bond shows us all his gentle side:
Homeless James Bond:
Nicely done! Whenever the topic of Bond films comes up, I like to mention how my mom’s cousin played Bibi Dahl, the young ice skater trying to get with Bond, in “For Your Eye’s Only”. If she had been successful in tempting him, you could add statutory rape (or “statch” as I like to call it.) to his list of indiscretions.
I saw the new one this weekend. Excellent.
I can’t help but notice that most of your clips exemplify the Sean Connery “Bond”.
Sean Connery is the only celebrity that anyone ever thought I resembled.
Now, I’m so embarrassed.
Just movies in general
Rape Heart
High Plains Rapist
Sudden penetration
Raping Las Vegas
Well it isn’t passion if she doesn’t struggle a bit you know. Or so 007 says. I also love how all the female baddies or spies he encounters are young, skinny, smart, beautiful, have European accents, can pout well and are ultra easy. Funny how “I came here to kill you Mr. Bond” can end up a romp in bath towels on his bed. They never look like 57 year old matronly librarians from Des Moines. (sorry Des Moines librarians…)
HOLY SHIT this post had me in tears. my faves:
Diamonds Are Forever, Rape Is Only 7-10
The Living Daylight Is Too Bright Out To Force Yourself Upon Your Victim So You Should Wait Till Night
Hehe, it had me in tears too until I realized that he’s paid well to be a pervert.