Did I ever tell you about the time I was a viking?
No?
Well it wasn’t THAT interesting. I mean we did our share of pillaging and looting but it’s not like we just randomly burned down cities and ate people’s babies out of spite or anything. I wasn’t on any of the crews that did the raping crap, but I heard of other ships that were downright nasty with that BS – you get the odd bad egg in ANY civilization of course.
Most of our guys would have been all up in a guys face if they tried any of that hardcore baloney on innocent people. Hey, we just need their resources, we don’t need to piss people off unnecessarily. Who wants to have a bad name in the history books? None of us did.
We always joked around on our voyages and said “Hey, I hope we’ll be called the smiley blonde bad boys from the north” or something like that, you know – kinda cute and kinda mean, like that music band ‘Hanson’ on steroids. Or maybe ‘The Nelsons’, but tougher and edgier and with penises.
From time to time we’d hit the odd Gaelic town and take their booze and cart off their squash, but for the most part we weren’t very mean about it. We’d politely introduce ourselves, state that we were going to take their stuff, they’d hand it over grudgingly, and we’d be on our way, really. Not a lot of nonsense happens when you see a large bunch of big hairy guys with swords and axes and shields tromping their way up the coast to your village. What are you going to do? Swing a shovel? Run? Be crude and obstinate? You’re a fishing town, not frikking France or whatever it was called back then.
I remember one time we were en route to Iceland and I’m rowing away peacefully and Lars, sitting next to me – who is hung over as hell and trying to keep up – got a bad whiff of fish and puked on my shoulder. That was pretty crazy, cause then I puked, and the guy on the other side of me puked, then the guys in front of him puked, and soon the whole starboard side of the boat was pretty much out of commission for a few hours. By the time we all stopped being sick we had turned 180 degrees, but no one noticed because it was really foggy.Well, we kept going hard and the fog never went away. A day or two later we skidded ashore and spotted a town a little further down the coast. We got all geared up and stoked and were ready to kick some Icelandic arse or celebrate with our Icelandic brethern (depending on how we were received by our peers), but it turns out it was the same town in Ireland we pillaged a few days prior!
Man, Eric, our captain, was embarrassed as hell and invented some lame excuse like he had a vision from Odin to come back and rescue a puppy he saw. The Irish guys saw right through it because Eric was stammering and looking stupid and beet red, but they played along because they didn’t want to raise a stir. The whole scene was hilarious.
When we set out back to sea, no one said anything, but Lars knew he would be flogged hard when we reached land again. In fact, the captain flogged him to death. But such is the life of a viking, you can’t have stupid shit ruining your plans to get into Valhalla. It was nice to have a puppy on board though, he became like our mascot and we put little horns on him and stuff.
I guess the moral is that you shouldn’t drink if you’re planning on going on a sea voyage.
You kind of look like the lead singer from that one hair band…what was their name? White Viking?
“This post is very likeable.”
And you look AWESOME in the viking threads.
“Or maybe ‘The Nelsons’, but tougher and edgier and with penises.”
This is one of my favorite posts of yours. This should go in the hall of fame. Excellent work, Viking Dan.
You should wear the viking threads everyday for sure.
I DO wear the viking duds every day!
Dude. Nice pantaloons. Really!
You like those pants Guv? I can photoshop you into them if you want?
And by “photoshop you into them” he means “masturbate while I think of you without any pants on because I totally think you’re the bee’s knees.”
I was think a little more innocently, but now that you mention it, yeah, I AM naked, and I AM masturbating at thiiiiss qvevvvvery second. But to Barbara Streisand.
Effing hot.