From: daniel.sober4life@baldwinbrothers.com
Sent: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 11:24 AM
To: ‘dopeypants’
Subject: BILLY
Hey man, Daniel Baldwin here. Look, don’t listen to Billy. If you do, I’ll seriously fuck you up. He has no right to take center stage on your banner anyways. I’m the second oldest of the boys and Alec is the oldest, so it should go Alec in the middle, then me, then whoever else after that, I don’t remember the rest of us.
Look, I’m right fucked up now on coke, and I could be at your door right now typing this from my free little mini-PC the bank gave me for taking out a car loan to get my Jetta. You don’t know. I fucking dare you to listen to Billy.
So anyways, jesus it’s hot in here, I’m going to just sit here and wait till you get this all straightened out properly, and if Billy sends you any more emails, I’ll know. Dude, I WILL know and maybe you didn’t know this but I got busted for grand theft auto and running through a hotel lobby naked, so you should know I mean business.
Nice blog though, congrats or whatever.
Peace out.
Daniel is a trainwreck.
The real winner on that banner is Klaus Daimler.
I had to Google Klaus Daimler, thinking he was a member of the Chrysler Corporation and somehow I’d inadvertently stuck his face in the mix.
Then I realized he’s Willem Dafoe from The Life Aquatic, which is probably the most awesome movie ever since Pluto Nash. Kidding, it WAS good though.
Willem Dafoe is my hero, but for Christ’s sake, why doesn’t he just change his name to WILLIAM already and be done with it?
His real name IS William. He changed it to Willem just to piss you off.
He’s doing a good job of it.
Um, why do you have ANY Baldwins (other than Alec) in your header?? You might as well jam Pauly Shore and Jason Gedrick up there.
Dude…Daniel was in “Homicide” the awesomest of the awesome in cop shows, but he sweated an unhealthy amount and always looked coked out of his head even then. He looks like he lived his whole life on the streets and should only be touched wearing surgical gloves or maybe a catcher’s mitt which you’d then have to burn…
Then the other Baldwins: The boring one, The one who called his kid a “pig” and the Jesus freak. Nice.
The baldwins will someday be as popular as the Smothers Brothers.
I bet you thought I was going to say the Wayins Brothers.
How about Ernesto and Julio Gallo?
What if the all shaved their pubes and posed for a picture captioned the “Bald Ones”.
It’s only a matter of time before one of them is caught in a park men’s room soliciting sex from George Michaels.