Today I had an important meeting somewhere. Okay, a job interview actually, I’m retiring from my home business (fucking loser economy) and getting back into the real world once again which excites me to no end.
Really, it does!
Granted, I can’t wear my latex gimp suit at work anymore (unless the place is REALLY good to work for), but the prospect of not having to worry about making sense of all these papers I have sitting around me in my home office makes me want to e-Jerkulate all over the place. God I’m horny for not doing accounting any more. And the idea of not managing a business and balancing books is even more thrilling than punching nuns or some suitably awesome and illegal feat to me.
Anyways, why is it that things always go catastrophically wrong when you’re going to a job interview ?
Today it was snowing like crazy for the first time this fall (contrast with hairy nipple t-shirtless weather on Monday), and I drove to a part of the city I’d never been to before for this interview. And of course, all the street signs were covered in a nice thick paste of snow and I had no clue where the hell I was. So I pulled off and turned into a back alley where I thought the place was and decided to hoof it, it had to be around somewhere close by.
Lo and behold I happened to park my front tires into a deep, muddy snow covered trench because it was just that – snow covered and I didn’t see it. The car’s wheels were buried to the axle in sludge. “No problem,” I thought, “I’m right where this place should be. Building #477 should be right around here somewhere. I’ll get the car towed out later.”
Now, this was getting close to my 10am appointment – and at this point I had lots of time to burn. But I walked out onto the main road and went back and forth along the street where the place was supposed to be. “473, 475…okay…empty lot…481. What???” I couldn’t believe it, where the hell did they go? They got all Britneymommy on me and disappeared!
I walked around the block once to see if I could find this missing #477…it was gone. Nowhere to be found. I checked my notebook once again to ensure I had the right place. Here’s what I saw:
677 Whatever Road. – 10 AM
477-1234 ext:104 (interviewer’s name)
Notice that “477″ is the first three digits of the phone number, NOT the physical location of the organization I hoped to become employed by.
Being an idiot isn’t easy. Neither is jogging 20 blocks through a foot of snow as sloppy as Paris Hilton’s snooch, arriving 15 minutes late for your first job interview in a long long time for a career you really really want to get into that pays far far more than I make now, soaked with sweat, brand shiny new pants all covered in slush.
Anyways, I rocked the interview because everyone always loves me.
(Except the Portuguese. Fuck ‘em.)
Awww, Dan! That blows goats! And makes me laugh pretty hard, sorry. I hope you get it! I’m sure you’d be a great ASSet to any ORGANization.
Hah, it went great, so hopefully soon I’m playing with my ass and organ or whatever you said that distracted me just now.
This made me laugh. Ha! But one question–do you always seek jobs in back alleys?
Yes I do! Well actually I *create* jobs, from a client perspective.
I’m a one-man economic stimulus. Emphasis on the stimulus.
Good luck on the new job dude! Of course they loved you! Everyone does. It’s your razor sharp ability to make us feel like idiots at any given moment that is most endearing. I just keep coming back for more.
Holy fucking balls, late for a first interview? That’s the kiss of death, man! I’m so sorry this happened.
Well, I did have two things going for me: it had just snowed a whole bunch and everything was a mess with traffic and all the street signs were covered in snow and I mentioned that I got stuck a long ways away and ran the rest of the way, and I also called him at 10 from my cell phone and told him that I was going to be 10 or 15 minutes late. He was cool.
My interview with him lasted for over an hour and he was right into me, and kept saying “Man, that’s the same as me…” in an excited way. And of course I was making him laugh all the way through with gems like:
Him: What do you think your weaknesses are?
Me: Well, the big one is that I just care TOO much.
Him: (Cracking up) Here, let me just write that down, no wait, I have a stamp for that.
Me: Oh, do you also have one for “I work TOO hard,” because that’s me also. You might as well bring that puppy out too while you’re at it.
Him: (Laughing hard) Hahaha, yeah, I think I have that one too.
Me: Okay, seriously now. I’m an alcoholic and I always get fired for punching my bosses.
Him: Hahaha!
Me: No, seriously. And I cry lots. Put that one down first, because that seems to be more disruptive on a daily basis. Can we move on to my strengths yet? I want to tell you how awesome of a poker player I am.
So I know I’ve got a good shot at it. Unless someone better comes along, heh.
(Kidding about the last two things I said.)
Well, if you don’t get the job you can always go out for beers.
Hilarious! Your blog “rocks”
IB