Toy giant Mattel Inc., after a four-year legal dispute with MGA Entertainment Inc., touted its win in the case Wednesday after a federal judge banned MGA from making and selling its pouty-lipped and hugely popular Bratz dolls.
Even though I didn’t really read this article in its entirety, I understood enough to get that Bratz dolls are hereby goners. Why? Who knows, who cares!
I imagine the judge that ruled on this case was a bit embarrassed when he read his verdict: “I uh, hereby sentence Kumi [Really!!! Really???], Felecia, Cloe, Sierrna, and Yasmin [this is starting to sound like the cast of Baywatch] to death immediately following the holiday shopping season.”
This victory for Mattel and Barbie is certainly sweet. Barbie is like the Martha Stewart of dolls - all sweet and nice on the outside in her Barbie makeover van having non-genital relations with Kenneth (”Hey, where are your nipples, Babs?” “Forget my nipples, where’s your peezer, Ken?”). But on the inside she’s a cold, evil demon, crushing her rivals and destroying all opposition. I’d even go as far as to compare Barbie with Hillary Clinton, except Barbie occasionally wins her battles and has more female attributes than Clinton. So I won’t go there.
Someone needs to make a documentary about this. They should call it the “Ho-Doll Showdown” and put my name in the credits and hand me fistfuls of money because I came up with the title. Or just hand me fistfuls of money anyways, because giving money to the destitute is an admirable thing.
Anyways, goodbye Bratz, may you all burn in hell (or more likely local landfills).
[Cue video clip of doll's face melting off in an incinerator.]
[I should also be a movie director. Or an editor. Or whoever it is that cues things in movies. The cueist? Best boy? Producer? Whatever!]
20 Comments
Write a Comment»Yeah dude, those Bratz dolls are just…wrong. It’s like selling little plastic teen hookers to 8 year olds. Although let’s face it, they’re more fun than Barbie. Barbie is like a beauty pageant contestant - vacant and ditzy. You could totally get Barbie to felate you by telling her you have a hotdog full of mustard for her. And her lipstick WOULDN’T EVEN SMUDGE.
A Bratz doll would do it for free.
No, a Bratz doll would charge 50 cents, she doesn’t just give it away, yo.
Barbie would at least want dinner and some fizzy wine first.
This is actually a huge deal in the toy industry
excellent, now my huge bratz doll collection will skyrocket in value and i’ll be rich, i tell you, rich!
Yeah, a Bratz doll wouldn’t fellate you for free. I mean, she’s gotta find money somewhere to support her meth addiction, right?
Whereas Barbie sits at home, invites over her friends, and they all throw their pills into a bowl and wash them down with mimosas. Pretentious cunt that she is.
I’m sad to see that they’re taking the girls who will let you do anything to them for five bucks and something from Taco Bell off the market. A sad day…a sad day indeed.
I have never bought a Bratz doll and thanks to this ruling I won’t have to worry about my daughters ever asking me to buy one! Score one for Mom’s everywhere.
Barbie put the smack down on those lil’ bitches!
Yeah Barbie! Those little meth addicts couldn’t outwit the cougar.
Speaking of cougars, IMHO Hillary has never looked better than she does now (getting rich and having professionals doing makeup, hair and wardrobe plus escaping Bill most of the time helps) whereas Barbie hasn’t improved one little bit. Of course, neither one of them has real blood in their veins so that is a toss-up.
Ebay just had an orgasm.
Secretly, I am very happy about this. I hated those BRATZ dolls - their heads were way too big!
You could totally make an online movie out of this for like $9. A barbie and one of the Bratz, a hair pulling contest followed by the Brat(z?) falling into the big fire at the bottom of the boiler room (wait, isn’t that Freddy Krueger?)….whatever.
Damn! I’m always too late. I just bought a huge box hoping to get rich on Ebay. I guess I’ll put them with the Beanies.
Ha! Just kidding.
And where are the hot dude dolls this Christmas? Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.
I just read the article about this whole thing. Something doesn’t add up, or maybe I’ve just spent way too much time in the pharmaceutical industry. To say that it’s a copywright violation when the person who conceived the dolls was a Mattel employee at the time smells of something underhanded. My guess is that the jury was made up of people who were either Mattel employees, Barbie enthusiasts, or middle-aged prudish housewives who felt that the Bratz line was too sexy for the store’s shelves.
If I were the maker of Bratz, I’d fight this one for a long, long time.
Mjenks. I’m not middle aged and last time I checked I’m not that prudish. But I still think those dolls are WAY too skanky to be on store shelves!
Aww, fuck!!!! I love (LOVE) those Bratz Dolls, and I’m not kidding! Those snap-on feet are BRILLIANT! FANTASTIC! Whoever invented those is a GENIUS. Ever tried putting shoes on a Barbie Doll? Hmm? They either don’t fit on her tiny feet or they get dropped in the carpet, never to be seen again because they’re so damn small. Then with much guilt, you hear them *WHOOOSH* getting sucked right up the vacuum the next time you’re doing housework, and you hope to God your kid didn’t hear it too, because vacuuming up a Barbie shoe is a totally unforgivable parenting crime. Trust me. Been there. But those Bratz have these huge snap-on feet - they FIT, and you can’t lose them in the carpet, and they’ll never, NEVER get sucked up by the bacuum. NEVER. Bratz are AWESOME. Barbie sucks. And, please, Bratz Doll clothes aren’t that bad. I’d wear half that stuff, I swear.
Oh, look at me getting all riled up about dolls. Again. This is just sad. Sorry. I’ll shut up now.
Okay, I meant “vacuum” there. Not bacuum. Whatever the hell that is. I’m gonna go google it and find out. Hee hee hee.
Wow. Turns out a bacuum is… (wait for it)… a vacuum. Go figure.
Am I up on the hugest erection list yet?!
Dammit. Nope.
bwhahaa! Funny post!
Someone gave my daughter a Bratz doll at her forth birthday party. My husband looked at me like, “WTF?!”
That night we discussed the situation in more detail. The Bratz doll in question closely resembled a stripper I used to know. WHY would any one make a doll that looks like this and then market it to little girls???!
I could really give a shit who owns the “intellectual property” that IS a Bratz doll. (I just threw up in my mouth a little while writing that. Intellectual property, my ass.) It’s just a bad idea to market hooker/stripper dolls to little girls.
The next thing you know the Brain Trust at Mattel and/or MGA is going to come up with a doll who comes complete with smeared mascara and a ‘Walk of Shame’ outfit.
People sure feel strongly about their dolls.
I can’t believe I even mentioned this. It’s so un-me.
You know what this is gonna do right? Make those damn dolls “collectibles”. Now we get to live in a world where future 18 year old girls can sell their stupid old toys to stupid dirty old men (or whoever the hell would buy that crap on ebay) and make millions…millions and millions that they can use for lipo and breast implants and crack. LOVELY!