A former Rwandan army colonel has been sentenced to life in prison by a United Nations court for his role in the 1994 Rwanda genocide.
International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda Judge Erik Moses said Theoneste Bagosora was “guilty of genocide and crimes against humanity and war crimes.”
via Life sentence for former Rwandan colonel convicted of genocide.
Let me be clear here folks – there is nothing funny about genocide. HOWEVER, my response to the genocide is pretty damn hilarious because I’m going to talk about Smurfs.
There is no other people in this world more deserving of genocide than the Smurfs. (Whoops, other than the Portuguese.)
See, if you’ve ever held a Smurf in your hand, you’ll know how rigid and unbending they are. They just sit their in one stable pose with their skis on or in some inflexible pose with their weightlifting equipment. They never do anything productive or contribute to the world. They are PVC choking hazards. They need to be genocided.
Papa Smurf, apparently father to all Smurfs, had 98 children in his tribe. Since there was no mention of a “Mama Smurf” and Smurfette was the only female in the whole bunch that was of an age where her hips could accommodate birth giving , you can bet her vajeen was busier than a local drycleaner after a Gallagher show. (There was Sassette Smurf too, but she was too young to reproduce.) Gad, what a wicked, sickening people those Smurfs are.
Every episode, they would elude the kindly Gargamel and Azreal, steal mushrooms (anyone wanna get high?) and basically be pains in the asses. I remember an episode where they hijacked planes and flew them into two skyscrapers – how evil and disgusting.
Hefty Smurf would walk around and be tough and intimidate all his peers in his anabolic rage. In fact, ALL of the Smurfs had one specialty that they used to intimidate, bully, and detroy thing with. Remember Handy Smurf and his diabolic inventions? “Hey, let’s go smurf some cute little rabbits with my smurftastic catapult!”
I’m sure there was a Terrorist Smurf too. He’d have been best buddys with Jokey Smurf, remember him? Joey Smurf would hand out gift boxes that would explode. Nice presents, Jokey, you fucking Jihadist.
And what was under their hats? I’m sure bombs. Or vials of anthrax. It all adds up to them being worthy of an ethnic cleansing.
They had some redeeming qualities though, but only as fertilizer. God damn you, Smurfs. Damn you right to hell.
Robot Chicken’s adaptation of the Smurfs to Se7en had me in tears I was laughing so hard.
“Jesus Smurfin’ Christ!”
While I am in concurrence with this proposal all I can think is, “Wow, Danny sure knows a fuckload about Smurfs, this is slightly disconcerting!”
Redeeming Smurf qualities? Just sell some on ebay (cha-ching!!) then you’ll love the little blue fuckers, trust me!
Sweet JM&J, I never thought of it that way! Jeez, Poobomber, you’re a real enlightener today.
That would be Smurfacide. Smurfing Smurfs with a Smurfgun.
Smurfette was a raging whore; Papa Smurf was a lecherous old man; Baker Smurf, Vanity Smurt and Harmony Smurf were all gay and hopelessly in love with Hefty Smurf. The only one that I feel sorry for is Baby Smurf – so young, so innocent, and so exposed to all of the debauchery.
Hey! What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?!?!
I’ve always thought the Smurfs were some sort of diseased gnomes. Like gnomes that had leprosy and were sent off to live in a private Smurf colony. So I’m all for torching their asses. Who wants Smurf leprosy spreading?
Giggle Pixie, that Smurf leprosy would be the episode where Smurfs who were “infected” with some funky disease bite each other on the bum and yell, “K-napp!” And once they’re bitten, they turn purple and hop around biting others. But seriously, that’s the only episode I remember; just sayin.’
… Smurfs.
Okay then.