Look at this - TONS of shit to McGyver with!

Remember the story of the plane load of Bangladeshi soccer players that crashed in the Swiss Alps on route to a big soccer game in Australia?  (Screw details – details are for nerds.)  They survived by eating the dead (in some cases their own relatives), which is as mundane for me as cheese but still, some people find that fascinating.

They were stuck up on top of the mountain for 5 years eating each other’s frozen asses, and when they were finally spotted and rescued, they returned to civilization and moved to Ecuador and started a little Argentinian grille restaurant.  Guess what was served as their star entree?

Steak, you fucking idiots.  Steak.

I was thinking tonight about how awesome that would be to survive a spectacular plane crash in the Andes.  You could sled around a lot on a seat you ripped from the plane, go for months without worrying about bills, cry at night before you sleep and no one’s going to think you’re weird, and best of all, no parent’s phone calls when you’re trying to have a nap.  I think it would be liberating.

Sure, you freeze your ass off, live on the edge of starvation and dehydration, and live the rest of your life with the moments of a horrible plane crash replaying through your thoughts every day.  But you know what?  I was bitten by a dog when I was a little kid, but you don’t hear me dwelling on that kind of shit every day do you?  Nope.  I moved on.  I didn’t write a book about it or anything either. (Now that I think about it, that was my brother that was bitten by a dog, but whatever – details are for nerds.)

Let's tear off a quick one before our boat sinks, shall we?

Same with Titanic.  The survivors of that tragedy lived like rock stars after that, but really, what did they do?  Nothing!  They floated for a little while in cold water pretty much.  If my memory serves me right, they all lined up and had sex with Kate Winslett and then got on boats and became floaty-shipsinking-kings for the rest of their lives.

God it’s easy to be a superstar when bad shit happens to you.  Look at Lot, he was assaulted by God and the Devil (who were both acting like cocksuckers), and has since lived on in the old testament for the last X thousand years as a hero/idiot.  He didn’t even do anything, he just kept on keeping on.  Who DOESN’T keep on keeping on?  (I guess people that have committed suicide, maybe they’re the smart ones?)

And when you survive something really horrible, people think you’re tough and have character and you’re practically Jesus.  I’m sure SOME of these people are pansies and crybabies even though they battled through some pretty serious shit.

Having only one ball attracts freaky anorexic children, apparently.

A guy I know had some sort of ass cancer and lived through it and people treated him like he was God.  But you know what?  He was a dick.  A big, bloated dick.  He swaggered around the place like his ass-cancer was some sort of kiss from heaven, women swooned over him, people treated him like he was super-important, and what did he really do?  Nothing.  Lived like anyone else.  Okay, I made this part up, I’m thinking of Lance Armstrong though.  I think he’s a dick.  But I’m not supposed to say that because he made a bunch of yellow rubber flea collars for people’s wrists to ward off the cancer.  Jolly good Lance, jolly good.

Now that I’ve said this, I suppose tomorrow my car will careen off a bridge and I’ll be submerged in icy water for a few hours, come out of it fine, write a book, raise some money for a people-in-freezing-water charity, and be a world-class dick after going on Oprah and crying on TV twice.

I hope so.  Better than being famous for eating dead people’s frozen ass-meat.