http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/12/18/tech.etiquette/index.html

1. You’re walking down the street and listening to your iPod when you run into someone you know. Do you need to remove both earbuds to talk to her?

First of all, if you encounter a female acquaintance on the street, chances are she’s got nothing interesting to say if you only classify her as an ‘acquaintance’ instead of a ‘friend’.  If it were a male acquaintance he might have something functional to say, like “Hey, there’s a nuclear explosion down the street, run for it!”  But, seeing as how she’s a she, you’re probably better off keeping BOTH earbuds in because it’s bound to end up, “I’m so hurt that my boyfriend left me because….and oh yeah, the nuclear bomb that went off down the street upset me also.”

Kidding of course.

This is a hypothetical question also, so my hypothetical answer would be “Don’t take your earbuds off at ALL unless you see money or an Xbox with a ribbon on it in their hands.”  They’ll get the hint.  If they’re not the type of person that gets the hint, don’t stop walking to begin with, keep looking at the ground or the sky.  Easy!

2. Is it rude to check your PDA at a friend’s house?

First of all, you’re an introvert, what are you doing at a friend’s house?  There are more interesting things to do with your time than being at a social gathering.

Second of all, you’re still an introvert unless something happened since I wrote the last paragraph, so what are you doing with a device that allows people to contact you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, wherever you are?

This question is completely bogus – the true introvert would never end up in this horrible horrible situation to begin with.

3. How quickly must I respond to an e-mail? Are the standards different for work e-mails versus personal e-mails?

First of all, if the person that is emailing you knows you, then you can rest assured that they understand that you may NEVER get back to their email.  Sometimes people aren’t cool like that though and they expect a timely response.  My recommendation is to finish whatever you’re doing – like curing cancer or building your rocket ship, THEN get around to emailing them a very terse and cryptic response.  For example:

Them:  Hey, I’m having a party on Friday, want to come?

You:  [four months later] Nah, was busy that night.  Genome sequencing & listening to new GNR album.  Thx.

No, wait, we never tell people what we’re actually doing, so it would rather be:

You:  Sorry, was busy that night.  Oops.  Somehow this email ended up in my junk email box.

If it’s an email from a work client, you have no choice to respond quickly, or you may soon become the unemployed introvert.  Respond as quickly as possible, but make it clear that you wish to not continue the conversation and that they should definitely NOT call you on the phone to ensure you got the message.

Them:  Can you send me a copy of my TPS report please?

You:  The moment I have a chance, I will.  I will be out of the office until the moment it’s done, then I’ll send it to you.  You’re next on my list.  Sent from my Blackberry and my battery is almost dead.

4. If someone calls you, can you e-mail the person back or send a text message if you’re not in the mood to talk? What if you text or e-mail someone and the person calls you back?

Duhhh, this is a stupid question.  First of all, you ONLY email to begin with since talking on the phone is something inferior extroverts do because they lack the intelligence to set up their own email accounts.

Second, no one ever CALLS you really, or they DO but you never answer and they eventually learn not to call you.  You’re in the other room painting, listening to music, or building your time machine.  Having a phone nearby would be suicide for your mental well-being.  Nothing ever gets done when a phone is near them.

Third – you wouldn’t text or email them to begin with so them getting back to you is a non-issue.  But sometimes it DOES happen, so what you do is answer the phone in a hurried and agitated tone, thereby letting them know that you’re in the middle of something important and that they should hurry the fuck up with their response.  If they tend to drag on, pretend something exploded in the garage and hang up.

5. Is using BCC (blind carbon copy) on an e-mail considered sneaky?

Hell, us introverts don’t even CC let alone BCC.  What the hell are these extra email options for anyways?  Oh yeah, people who like saying “You the receiver are more important and this message is for you, then the next person on the CC list isn’t as important but they should read this anyways, and the BCC person is the MOST important, but the most likely to be amused or upset at whatever this email is about, so they’re BCC’ed.”

Introverts don’t play this sneaky game that unintentionally categorizes people in terms of importance.  Smart people (introverts) say whatever the fuck they need to say to everyone that needs to hear it and let everyone else sort it out.  So every single person is in the TO list.

I hope you enjoyed my advice – stay tuned for my next series of advice, “An Introvert’s Guide To Staying At Home On a Friday Night”!