I love coffee whitener. You know, the white powdered stuff that you pour in a pile on the counter at halloween, stick your face in, dress up like a 70’s disco king, then wander around trying to fight drunk people and screaming “SAY HULLO TO MY LIL FRIEN’”.
What do you mean you don’t do that? It’s the cheapest, awesomest halloween costume there is, considering you’ve already got the disco clothes! What do you mean you don’t have the disco clothes? What do you wear to church then?
What do you mean you don’t go to church? What are you, a Satanist? Do you dress up in black robes and paint your face with blood and evil symbols?? Well if you do, that trumps the Tony Montoya costume, next halloween you should just wear your Sunday outfit instead, because that’s pretty frikking sweet.
Back to the coffee whitener. If there’s an option between whitener and cream, I will always go the synthetic route because it’s got that extra kick. Did you ever see that episode of Mythbusters where they ignite a thousand pounds of coffee whitener and there’s a 100 foot tall mushroom cloud?
Yeah, that short of shit is literally coursing through my veins right now.
But what IS coffee creamer? I’m afraid to look at the ingredients on the canister. Yes, I buy my whitener by the canister. I’m hoping the label won’t say, “Ingredients: CFC’s, modified corn syrup, baby souls, MSG” or something equally shocking.
Actually, I think I’d be okay with that combination. I don’t really give a rat’s ass about the environment as long as it’s not my immediate environment (get yo smelly armpits away from me Mr. Coworker!), corn syrup as we all know is possibly the most dangerous threat to health in the western world which means it’s fully tasty, baby souls – well, nothing’s as innocent and sweet as babies, so their souls must be good for you, and last – MSG, hey, they heap that on food by the scoopful in China for flavor – and according to my movie memory, ancient Chinese people are wise and they must have eaten a lot of of that so it can’t be all that bad for you. Maybe it even enhances your chi? Your chi could use a little pick-me-up after eating the CFC’s that were also in the whitener, so it’s like….balanced.
Anyways, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, coffee whitener – it’s not only politically incorrect by name and a chemical and ecological disaster, it’s fucking awesome.
The actual ingredients are listed as sweat, powdered unicorn horn and crack so the baby souls must be a sweetener. It’s another brand name for Splenda!
That was one of my most favorite explosions on the show. I think it even tops the magic trick where they atomized that cement truck.
Whitener? I’ve never heard of this. I know, I know…point and laugh. Creamer, I’ve heard of. Whitener…not so much.
And it really all depends on the baby, and your opinion of nature vs. nurture whether or not baby souls are good for you. I’m just sayin’.
Canadians, like the English, have a habit of calling things by a more correct but vaguely less appetizing name. Something about coffee ‘whitener’ just rubs our noses in the fact that it lightens coffee but bears no content or resemblance to anything natural or dairy-derived.
I’m equally uncomfortable with ’salad cream’ and ‘mushy peas’.
Generic whitener is gay.
I know….I’m a man of many words.
Does this count as three comments, cuz I’m not sure how far back I am on your ‘top commenters erection’ chart over there. I’m looking to get you hard soon
Sweet mother, I just made the list. I wouldn’t call it a stiffy just yet, but maybe a little chub? Watch out Zibbs, I’m coming for you.
Love the stuff. But apparently it’s as bad for your heart as a frigid mistress.
Just the fact that it’s a powdered organic solid is what causes it to be flammable. Heap a bunch of flammable particulates together and you can cause it to mushroom cloud like that.
My favorite explosion on there was the water heater they fired through the roof of that shanty. It was one of the few times when I wasn’t annoyed by Adam.
As a black coffee lover I still don’t get why anyone would put any damn thing in their coffee but really why would a sane person prefer the creamer to actual cream or milk? Of course this is YOU not a sane person… I’d rather put Tide in my coffee than coffee-mate.
Although the Mythbusters team did indeed demonstrate the one thing it’s good for in a big way.
French vanilla/caramel baby souls. Yummmm.
Cream and sugar are for peach eating crumpet toasting pinky extending sissy girls.
I’m with the Guv. Drink Coffee black like God intended or just munch the raw cherrys if you can get them.
If you were a real man you’d chew a mouthfull of coffee beans while drinking boiling water.
Also, CFCs are typically gaseous or liquid, so you’re safe. They’re not in your silly whitener.
However, dichloromethane is used to decaffeinate coffee, which would make it a CC (chloro-carbon).
I thought Starbucks had a patent on the use of baby souls?
Plus bro, you can put that stuff in baggies and wave it in front of the ladies who hang around off the Vegas Strip and they’ll do anything for you. ANYTHING.
Of course I’m joking. But damn it’s a good idea.
I’ve seen them claim something about being an edible oil product. While I’m not ordinarily inclined to eat anything containing petroleum, I bet the oiliness makes your skin feel nice in winter when it is cold and dry all over.
Cheers
I should have known Mjenks was gonna get all technical on me – in fact, while I was writing it I even titled it….”Coffee Whitener: Mjenks Plz Explain?”
Yep, powdered sugar, white flour or even Xerox toner all will have the same result (explody wize). It’s mainly the extra surface area fine powders produce. Try powdered aluminum BOOM!
I should have known Mjenks was gonna get all technical on me – in fact, while I was writing it I even titled it….”Coffee Whitener: Mjenks Plz Explain?”
What the hell good would seven and a half years of science-education do if I couldn’t liken everything in the universe to something sexual and/or figure out how to make every day things blow the fuck up?
Ahhh Mythbusters….I so want to be an intern for them with the possibility of becoming the female Grant Imahara. I’d be perfect for that job too…not only am I cute enough for TV but I have no regard for personal safety (or other’s safety for that matter) when it comes to blowing shit up!