I imagine it’ll go something like this:

Hello my fellow ‘Mericans.

Well this is it.  This is the last time I address you guys as the president of the ‘Nited States, they tell me….tell me that some other guy has to have a chance, kind of like when you was in elementary school and there were the kid who did really awesome at pitching in the ball game but he would politely step aside for someone else…someone else who wasn’t very good to take a turn pitching.

Some people ask me, “Georgie, what is your regrets looking back after eight years?”  I say to them, those people that think I should autermatically have regrets, “Peoples, my biggest regret was that I cared too much.”  See, I did my darndest to make this fine fine nation safe and for that I was perosecuted.  Perosecuted right at the polls.

Bein’ president isn’t about bein’ popular, it’s about getting the job done.  Doin’ what you think is right.  See, I took an oath eight years ago to defend this nation, whether that meant throwing masses of disposable troops at the enemy all around us or whether it meant eatin’ a chicken salad sandwich an hour late for lunch.  Sometimes a guy has gotta do what a guy’s gotta do even if he doesn’t like it.  Right now is my prayin’ hour but I took the time to spend talkin to y’all, see?  You have to make some sacrifices an’ … an’ I guess that makes you unpopular with some people.

Those people that criticized me, those loud people who were criticizin’ all the time, they didn’t think about what had to be done.  Because of me we got Saddam, we liberated a nation of people that have a fuller, safer life now.  They can go to bed each night in peace and freedom, and when they go to the grocery store next day, the stores are full of produce and water and stuff they need to get by.  Without me, those people, they’d be arm wrestlin’ each other for rotten tomatoes or like a bottle of two year old olives.  Now they can have fresh tomatoes, fresh olives, and their children can go to school and learn, they can learn English.

I brought morals to this country when we needed it most.  Those people that criticized me, heh, they forget that I paved the roads for them to get to their voting terminals.  They forget that I built this nation.  When they hop in their Ford Explorer and pump gas into their tank, they forget that I bought them this gas.

One of the things the new guy in office will have to face is that we’re a nation under attack.  There are those people out there that don’t like America – Americans.  Those people want to see our flag burning.  They want to see Jesus taken out of the schools.  They want to see our chicken salad sandwiches made without mayonnaise.  You want to go on a vacation to Mexico?  They’ll be there, waitin’ for you – waitin’ to make your holiday go bad.  But I gave it everything I had.  I prayed at night for your Mexican vacations.  See these lines on my forehead?  They mean that I was protectin’ y’all.

Anyways, I guess this is the end of the road, nation.  End of the road.  On the 20th there will be another guy steppin’ up.  We all know that he ain’t going to do a very good job, but the coach has to let the other kids play.  I couldn’t change that, nation.  I sought to…I sought to make it so I could be president forever but my lawyers couldn’t find a way…a way to make this….they couldn’t find a way for me to stay any longer, I guess.

As for the future, I’m not sayin’ what I’ll be doin’.  I might go back to Crawford an’ raise horses, I might write a book.  In fact my book is pretty much already done but they say I should wait until people realize what I done to make this world better before I release it.  I don’t know, I’ll leave the thinkin’ to thinkin’ people.

Alright, so I guess this is it.  I can’t stand at this podium and say goodbye forever, a guy’s gotta eat and Laura made me a chicken salad sandwich….a chicken salad sandwich that I’m going to eat when I’m off the stage.  Then I’ll probably go to bed and rest well knowing that I done good for this country.

So…yeah, I don’t want to go.  But I gotta, rules are rules and even a hundred thousand dollars out of my own pocket towards lawyer fees couldn’t change the fact that those rules … well those rules, they can’t be broken.

Farewell America.  Farewell my fellow Americans.