In a move designed to confuse the fuck out of consumers with it’s name, Microsoft unveiled it’s newest incarnation of Windows at the CES this week, codenamed ‘Windows 7′.
The biggest highlight at the CES was it’s utilization of touch screen technology, alienating people with Parkinsons, arthritis, and most notably people with fat fingers which makes up most of the people that will spend their time brooding over the new operating system.
Another highlight of the demonstration was of course it’s name: Windows 7 – logically the next step following a name like ‘Vista’, I can see myself spending another hour of my life trying to explain to my parents the naming progression from Windows 3.1 to 95 to 98 to ME to XP to Vista to 7, which makes total sense of course. Also, they will inevitably encounter someone who tries to persuade them into purchasing the newest version:
Me: “Mom, Dad, don’t worry about it, your computer works just fine the way it is. All you do is look at your email program and browse a few web sites a couple times a month, no sense dishing out $200 for something you won’t need.”
Them: “But the guy at the store said…”
Me: “Why do you guys disbelieve the guy at the car dealership who says all sorts of wonderful things about a new automobile’s features that you know you’ll never use, yet when it comes to a kid at Best Buy making minimum wage and saying you need to upgrade your PC to a new version of Windows that has ‘Dude, full transparency windows and support for quad cores and SATA drives’?”
Them: …
Them: “Will it play solitaire better?”
Solitaire, my ass. They’re all about the porn, but they just aren’t about to admit it to their little boy, Poo. It’s a ruse. In fact, wasn’t that your Daddy on the meat spin link?
Yeah, I’m getting a little tired of the graphics on the decks of cards my computer has, so maybe I should upgrade. And I heard there were some really cool new Minesweeper options that make it now the “Killer App” if you know what I mean. Like hit a bomb, and the compter powers off. And it won’t reboot for 30 minutes. No, it’s not on a delay. We’re talking a new Microsoft OS. They all take longer to boot on “legacy” hardware.
(Yes, I know it’s supposed to boot faster than Vista, which I do not own a copy of yet.)
Windows 7? Yeah, cause Vista is such a blissful walk in the park. See, this is why Rickey owns a Mac…
But, Poo, I heard that it’s more secure and that it does all this great new stuff, like let me watch movies, and type up documents.
Wait a minute…your parents are all willing to pay out the ass for an upgrade to their Windows, but they refuse to upgrade Solitaire to Spider Solitaire? Come on. This is why old people shouldn’t be allowed out of the asylum.
I think there was an NT in there. After both the CE, and the ME.
A whole new meaning to Whiskey and Seven.
Maybe Whiskey, Tylenol and Seven.
Look at you, little Poo, looking out for your parents. I’m touched.
of course it will play solitaire better, and have even more choices of Decks than before! And the face cards will be redesigned to look more modern and chic (or, manly, in the case of the King. But not in the case of the jacks, since they always seemed a little fey to me. I mean, they cannot even grow a beard. Geez.)
My father recently upgraded to Vista for a computer that he cannot actually turn on without calling me.
I suspect he is worried that the Internet can see him, and he doesn’t want to be seen as falling behind.
Didn’t you know? That’s what made a king a king: the ability to grow one wicked-ass beard.