I get this question a lot.  See, I’m often in social situations where I put myself in the center of attention and people are fascinated by me.

Hmm, so what defines Danno?

Let’s see.  Giving gifts.  Yes, I’m a great gift giver.  Just the other day I called a coworker a dumbass.  What better gift to give someone else than the gift of me laughing at someone else?  That’s really nice of me to do.

Hmm, what else?  This one time I gave some homeless dude some pizza.  I was really poor that time too, so that makes me a philanthropist.  Nevermind that while he was distracted, I took his bottle of spit-swilled wine and filled it with ginger ale and gave it to a coworker.  This supports the notion above that says I’m a great gift giver, because I really laughed lots thinking about my coworker’s hoity toity lifestyle and the bottle of pre-enjoyed booze that must have fit into it.

Ties.  Ties define me.  I have this one tie with yellow on it.  Yellow.  Yellow also defines me.

I have a cell phone with about 500 numbers in it.  Nevermind that they’re the first 500 numbers from the phone book, how many potential buddies named A. Anderson are TOO much?  One billion, that’s how many, so like I’m nowhere near that.  So I guess my awesome list of undiscovered friends starting with the letter A defines me as an outgoing person.  Yeah, totally.

Did you know that I’m an environmentalist?  Sure, people that know me speak of me as caring about the environment.  I often say things like “Wait till we’re on a side road to throw that bag of McDonald’s garbage out the window.”  No one wants to see garbage on the main road.  I care.  What about the rest of you?  Nope, I bet you don’t.  Not like me anyways.  You probably throw your garbage into dumpsters which all gets transported to landfills, and we all know how horrible landfills are.  I don’t think that way, neither should you.  For mother earth.

I love animals too.  Mostly cows.  Cows that have been processed into patties.  But cows nonetheless.  You won’t see ME hating on cows, cause that cow you might someday scorn – that might be the cow that fills your tummy.  It’s symbiosis, it’s love, and it’s harmony.  I also like pigs too, chickens and other farm animals may fall into this category, including little fluffy kittens and doe-eyed puppies, should they be so fortunate to become my ginger chicken side dish at a Chinese buffet.  Y’know, just animals all around.  Pretty much any animal can be made into something nice and lovable given the right amount of sauce.  So yeah, something that defines me is loving animals.

Also I’m the world’s greatest lover.  This one time I was in France and I made love to 172 women – all named Marie – in one night.  You might not believe me, but if you go to France and ask a few women with the name of Marie what they were doing on the night of June 17th 1995, they will not remember because that’s how amazing of a lover I am – I blew their minds to shreds that night.

I can also sing quite well, Van Halen AND Luciano Pavarotti asked me to sing with them on the same night.  Of course I refused, Luciano had cookies in his beard and smelled of pedophilia, and Eddie Van Halen was too freaked out on cocaine at the time for me to join his troupe.  But I have produced an album of my own, granted it was more of a ten second WAV file of me singing “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” than what YOU might consider an ‘album’, but what do you know about music anyways, you listen to Garth Brooks and Kanye West.

So anyways, that’s about it for now.  I hope you enjoyed reading about me typing stuff about me.