As a devout car driver (not in the obsessive NASCAR-fan or some pretentious twat that beholds the beauty of a BMW sort of way, rather the way that I just hate walking anywhere), there’s nothing more aggravating to me than being behind a city bus on the road.  Every time a bus is in front of me, I wish that my car-mounted rocket launcher patents would hurry up and get approved already.

I get the feeling that bus drivers derive immense pleasure from the amount of traffic they stop behind them in order to pick up an old lady.  The longer she takes to get on the bus and the more traffic that piles up behind them, the happier they get. 

But not too happy – I’m sure they have some sort of little schedule that says they have to be at Smith Street at a certain time and they freak out if they’re behind that schedule.  I bet their whole life revolves around pissing off car drivers and meeting their schedule.

I bet that before the bus drivers start their shift each day they sit around talking shop, and their discussions over coffee and donuts revolve around how they fucked over some guy in a Mustang who couldn’t pass them or how on their shift during the previous day they would have came in three minutes ahead of schedule if it weren’t for some teenage school kid dropping their papers all over the ground as they got on his bus. 

I bet the conversations go something like this:

Bus Driver #1:  Man, you should have seen all the people that were stuck behind me yesterday!  Since I was 5 minutes ahead of schedule, I pulled over at stops where people weren’t even waiting!  You could see some guy in a van way behind me freaking out and trying to get into the next lane, but man, traffic was so bad that he couldn’t!  He kept swerving everywhe…

Bus Driver #2:  …Dude that’s nothing!  Check this out!  I was three and a half minutes behind schedule yesterday and I went super fast!  Man, I had the pedal pinned to the floor for my route, but then I realized that I hadn’t pissed off anyone behind me, so I just let the bus idle all the rest of the way.  I swear the guy behind me in a silver Camry was going to get out and try and punch me, so I had to lock the door just in case.  Man, he was waving his fist and….

Bus Driver #3: …wait, was the guy bald and wearing these really big glasses with horn rims?

Bus Driver #2:  Yeah!!  Did you piss him off too??

Bus Driver #3:  Oh man, he just about drove up on the sidewalk to get around me while I took my time.  I think his wife was in labour, she was curled up in the back seat and there was blood or birth juice spraying all over the place, it was crazy!

Bus Driver #2:  That’s the guy!!  St. James street right?  I remember the blood and stuff!  Haha, I remember him politely letting me in front of him when I was turning out of the terminal.  Man, what a noob driver.

Bus Driver #1:  It’s so wonderful that we’re bus drivers and our sole purpose is to fuck everyone else over on the roads.  We’re so important that we even sometimes get our OWN LANES!  All the people that take the bus are our little sheep and we must get them to their destinations on time, mission critical stuff here.  Plus we’re so environmentally responsible, people aren’t allowed to be mad at us or they end up looking like mother-earth haters.  We should be the only ones allowed on the roads, no, wait, we should have our own freeways!  I sacrifice babies to Satan each week.  Just yesterday I cut a hole in a picture of the Pope and fucked it and no one got mad because I drive a bus!  Look at me, I drive around all the time on my off days with my bus sign saying “Not in service” just to piss off people!  I also spit on homeless people for the fun of it, what are they going to do, get mad?  I take them to their damn bottle collection depots, muahahahahaha!      

Anyways, yeah, I hate buses.