Pope calls for ‘sovereign Palestinian homeland’ during Bethlehem visit

While in Palestine this week, the Pope reiterated his desire to see an independent Palestine.

"Mr. President, the Holy See supports the right of your people to a sovereign Palestinian homeland in the land of your forefathers, secure and at peace with its neighbours, within internationally recognized borders," the Pope said.

The Pope followed with some more comments during his trip:

-You guys need to all chill the fuck out.  A little bit anyways.  Give it a week, see how it works for you. 

-I heard about the poontang here, it’s supposed to be all wild and stuff.  Throw me some.  No, not her.  The one next to her maybe.  Hey kitten, niiice.  

-Kidding, hey, I’m the Pope.  No pussy for this cat.  Got any altar boys though?  Kidding again, we’re all through with that shit.  New Pope, new rules.  I’m harsh but fair.  “Think but no touch.”  That’s the big new rule around Popeworld.  Dig it.

-Look at that big wall, someone throw something at it or hit it with a brick or jump a dirtbike over it or something.  You’ve got rockets?  Shoot ‘em over!  No, wait, don’t!  Goddamn it, stop taking me seriously all the time!   

-I’d shake all your hands, but you’re sweaty and haven’t shaved and smell like lemons or whatever.  Don’t want to go back home and be having to shower all the time for a week.  Nothing personal, I just don’t like lemons or Islam or whatever that is.

-What the hell is up with all the olives you guys eat?  Try some pineapple or steak or something different.  You ever had bacon?  I suppose not, but it’s good!  Don’t be afraid to try shit out!  New rule!  “Try shit out at least once!”  Like peace.  Try peace out.

-Hey sister, what’s your name?  “Alena”?  How do you spell that?  OHHHHHH, without an ‘H’!  Neato!  Wanna go for a ride with me?  Don’t worry, we won’t cross any borders or anything.  I know you probably get a little nervous when you see a checkpoint.  Bulletproof glass though, in case we’re busy and forget where we are.  Kidding, I’m the Pope, there will be no ‘getting busy’.  Promise.  Swear to God.  Shut up.  Get in. 

-So whatever happened to that little dude with the big frikking nose and tablecloth hat anyways?  Is he around?  I want to see if he wants to smoke a fatty and talk about Ronald Regan.  Oh, he’s dead?  Sucks.  So’s Regan?  Shizat.  What year is this anyways?  Ohhhhh, hot damn, you caught me drifting into another era there. 

-Look at me, all peace n’ stuff!  The Holy See kicks ass!!  Okay, seriously?  You guys should stop arguing.  You don’t have to listen to me, but I make sense when you think about it. 

-I’ve got some Halva in my hat if anyone wants some.  Whoa, easy, quit climbing all over each other!  You guys need to calm the fuck down, serious, NO HALVA IN THE HAT!!  Christ, settle down!  Do you really think I’d keep halva in my hat? 

-You want to see my passport?  Who the hell do you think I am??  Oh, wait, I’m in my street clothes, you probably got me mixed up with some young awesome stud like that guy from Melrose Place – the bad boy guy, you know.  Okay, here it is.  See me smiling?  Hah, that day I was as high as a kite, we had some serious Mexican Red going around town that week.  Kidding, I was just happy about Jesus or whatever.