During my grandpa’s 100th birthday party, I was approached by numerous elderly or quasi-elderly local people who remember me when I was [raise hand to a variable height] this tall and want to know all about my current life-status in order to compare me to their own offspring.

Gah, that aggravates me.  I discovered the best way to end such queries was to string together a barely coherent answer involving some sort of illicit activity, that usually shuts people right up and gets them to move on to the next table in a hurry. 

“Hey Danny, wow, it’s been 20 years!  What are you doing with yourself these days?”

• “I’m in Kuala Lumpur and involved in human trafficking.  Say, you’re looking a little arthritic since I last saw you, need a personal massage assistant good at hand jobs?”
• “I’m keeping busy.  Pimping!  Hey, you have a granddaughter right?  Is she happy with her current career?  You know that with the economy the way it is, there’s never been a better time to take a new path in life.  Give her my number!”
• “Ohhhhhh, not too much.  I sell heroin to teenagers, but thinking about crystal meth since it’s a little more affordable.  Oh sure, it’s not as glamorous as heroin is, but in times like these you have to diversify.”
• “I’m a fucking ROCK STAR, bitch!”
• “I make porn websites – hey, your three day free access code is prn123!  Sign up now and I’ll throw in a free week at a sister site I’m working on called Anal-Invazions.com!!”
• “Let’s not talk about me since I’m under investigation.  What about you?  You’re retired now, right?  Ever think about doing special-niche escort work?”