Someone's having a good time in this picture. It's the guy with the eyeballs! He doesn't have to worry about where society deems tattoos to be improper!
In the last few days I’ve started watching TrueBlood, which if you’re unfamiliar with it, is mainly about sex and a little bit about vampires. If you can imagine, it’s like Melrose Place set in the swamps of Louisiana and you actually get to see the actress’s boobies. Oh, and there are vampires openly living amongst everyone too, I guess that part’s important.
In TrueBlood [is the 'B' capitalized? Awh, who cares.] a substitute for human blood which they call “Trublood” is discovered and is bottled up and sold to vampires, who now have no reason to hide in the shadows any more. So they can openly have their sexy partays and struggle for things like equal rights and the right to have the occasional bad hair day, which has somehow historically eluded them.
As always with things like the Bible, Apple products, and sex with midgets, there has been a lot of hype and false rumors about vampires and their capabilities. Vampires can be seen in mirrors, don’t mind garlic, can hang out around churches and crosses, and all kinds of stuff that Hollywood told us was true about them has been dispelled. However they’re still allergic to sunlight, stake stabbings (hey, aren’t we all?), and silver.
I was thinking to myself, “If I were a vampire, what would MY vulnerabilities be?” because you know I likely wouldn’t be a normal vampire of course. As a vampire, I’d probably be allergic to the following:
- Chick flicks and old black and white movies – “HISSSSSS”
- Nuts
- Manual labor – “Take out the garbage? HISSSS”
- R&B music (there’s no way I could enter a GAP store)
- Talking on the phone
- Bling
- Reunions
- Slow traffic for no apparent reason – “I’m bursting into flames!”
I’d also have a long list of strengths too.
- Napping
Okay, ‘napping’ doesn’t really constitute a ‘long list’, but I think I could somehow translate the skill into something useful. Okay, I can’t. My life as a vampire would suck [pun unintended] since I could only be awake a few hours of the night, which I’d nap a lot of away. I’d have to do all my nasty shit between the hours of 3am-4am which doesn’t leave me a lot of time to be all mystical and sexy.
I could, however, be awesome at being all distant and cold. For example, if someone came up to me and said, “Hey, awesome, a vampire! Can I get a picture taken with you?” I’d be all, “No” and stuff. See? Totally distant!
Or if there were a bunch of vampires in a room writhing around and clawing at each other to some sort of new-age sitar music, I’d probably be the vampire guy sitting in the dark corner of the room, mulling about something like how to write iPod applications or why the open container of yogurt sat in the fridge for a month and never went bad. Brooding, I tell ya.
Yeah, you’re right. You’d be a shitty vampire. Better stick with the holy thing you got going on.
I never understood the attraction between vampires and techno music. You’d think that, since they’re dead and possessed by a demon spirit, they’d be more into early 90s alternative music, since all of those songs are about death, dying, cutting your penis off or jerking it. It just seems to make little sense that they’d be all “let’s jump around this place and PAR-TAY!”
Wait. What’s this about boobies?
I’d be allergic to beets, dusting knickknacks, creepy salesmen in sports stores, my exhusband, nonstop talkers, coffee, and my exhusband.
Hmm? What? Oh, did I say ‘exhusband’ twice? That’s because I’m uber allergic to him. Duh. (If you met him, you’d understand.)
Some Guy: Apparently, Lizzie Kaplan has a hard time finding, well, anything that fits her just right. So she decides not to wear anything.
Plus, Anna Paquin is hot damn awesome naked in the series.
I’d be an awesome vampire. Totally not as obnoxious as the new ginger vampire on the show.
I have this weird obsession developing for the dude who plays Jason’s friend Hoyt. It’s, like, pretty bad.
Trublood has been known to cause cancer in lab rats. Just sayin’.
So does Christmas.
True Blood ROCKS! What a raunchy, bloody show. I think it’s funny how the three leads are played by a New Zealander an Englishman and an Aussie. Their accents are spot on. Maybe all the southern American actors were too busy drinking sweet iced tea and wearing white hoods so they had to get foreigners?
I’d be a shitty vampire. Just the idea of drinking blood is making me turn green.
Never heard of tRUEbLOOD, I am tragically out of it.
Excuse me, time for Matlock!
I’d have a pretty unique list of weaknesses too:
Crocs? Hissssssssss
People who use “your” and “you’re” interchangeably? Hisssssssssss
Lime green anything? Hisssssss
I think I’m just gonna start hissing at anything I don’t like.
Merchandizing:
The TrueBlood energy drink. Made with real girl scouts.
Sally Hansen Hard as coffin nails tooth extensions.
Hey it’s my period, prove you are a vampire party game.