Yesterday we went to the beach in order to take a nice break away from our day jobs as skydiving window cleaners.  I mean don’t get me wrong, wiping skyscraper windows is an exciting job when you’re doing it at 100 miles an hour, but after a while you just need to get away from it all.

We purposely go to a little-known beach far away from the crowds, as nothing ruins my day more than people intruding on my personal space.  Hell, I’ve been known to sucker punch people who stand too close to me when they talk, and sometimes in shopping malls when people get too close for comfort I’ll try to clothesline them.  I’m like that.

When we arrived at the beach yesterday, it was perfect – each group had about 100 feet of beach space to themselves and everyone spread out nicely.  I say “100 feet of space”, but I’m not really sure – every rock I threw at the closest people’s toddlers seemed to fall short or merely bounce off them instead of knocking out teeth/eyes like I had intended, so it must have been a fair distance anyways.

After a few hours though, our little secluded beach was overrun with what appeared to be giant extended families of Italian people everywhere.  Maybe they were Greek?  I don’t know, but they had no sense of  space – much like people of the southern European persuasion lack.  Out came the frisbees and floating footballs, loud language, hairy chests, swarthy teenagers who I imagine will try and break into your car out of boredom, and I swear there were Speedos involved at one point.

However, the nice spot we had chose was flanked on one side by a large fallen tree, making it  only 50% possible for another beachgoing group to piss us off, so for a while we were doing well and no one came near us.  I should have known that soon enough, some motherfucker(s) would eventually intrude – I mean it’s the real world right?

I firmly believe there are people put on the face of this earth to make everyone pissed off – no other reason whatsoever.  They can’t be sensible and walk 50 feet and find a nice open spot, instead they see the 10 feet of empty space between our spot and the next taken spot, so they wedge themselves in like a bad pair of underwear, spread out their giant family-sized pink beach blankets, prop up some portable furniture, and make a lot of noise while their malformed offspring whip out giant super-soaker type toys which have the proclivity to soak everyone but their intended targets.

Anyways, to make a long story short – what the fuck is wrong with people???  If people arrive to the beach at 2pm after the beach-spot-pecking-order has been arranged, tough for them.  As soon as they start spreading out their crap impossibly between two other established beachgoing groups, some sort of police (I imagine looking like Don Johnson) should come along and beat them apprehend them murder them before they have a chance to move your fucking chairs while you’re out swimming to make room for their offspring/pets/bad selves/coolers full of piss-type drinks.

As an addendum to this post, during my research, I Googled “crowded beaches” and came up with this photo, which would be my idea of hell – literally:

Which translates into a lot of X-marks for me and a busy day for Don Johnson to make it into an enjoyable place: