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HOh crap, Patrick Swayze’s dead! I call dibs on his legwarmers!I

the outsiders

A New Jersey night on the town, or an image from the movie, "The Outsiders"? Could be either.

Patrick …. Swayze …. is … dead.  Not ‘dead’ like Rob Lowe’s, Matt Dillon’s, Tom Cruise’s, C. Thomas Howell’s, Ralph Macchio’s, or Emilio Estevez’s acting careers either.  He’s really dead, Ponyboy.

I’m going to try and refrain from making references to Ghost – although if Whoopie Goldberg starts acting strange on The View like she’s hearing voices from beyond the grave, we should probably shoot her before some sort of paranormal plot develops.  Maybe we should just shoot her anyways now that I think of it …  If we want to rescue the princess by killing Barbara Walters, we have to kill Whoopie on level 3 anyways before we get the key to level 4 to kill Joy, who is the boss on that level and shoots blue fireballs and can electrify her skin.

(By the way, Whoopie drops a wicked sword you get to use for part of level 4 as long as you’re wearing the +1 charisma + 1 str Talisman of Infinite Ladygossip.)

Back to Patrick Swayze – I guess the pancreatic cancer stories that we saw every time we went to the checkout counter at the grocery store were true.  He’s gone.  No shit.  Really?  Nah, say it isn’t so?  But he had that show to finish – ‘Monster’ or whatever the hell it was called on AMC or ABC or HBO or whatever – he CAN’T die, there’s a contractual clause for that.  Right?

And who the hell is going to protect us from the commies NOW?  Charlie Sheen?  Okay, MAYBE Charlie Sheen, but if things get crazy and the Soviet invaders have a dance competition to boost their subject’s morale in their conquered lands, Charlie Sheen ain’t gonna dance his way to our salvation like you would, Patrick Swayze.

Anyways, sad to see you go Mr. Swayze – I was totally inspired by your cancer denial and I thought you were gonna kick its ass without any of us even knowing what was going on.  Wait, you’re not listening to me anyways, are you?  No, no, you’re dead.   Join the legion that followed you – 2009 is the Chinese “Year of Celebudeath,” followed in 2010 by “Year of The Squirrel”.

(BTW, my dead pool has Gene Hackman next on the list, choking on a banana split in October during an LSD overdose.  Fucked up, eh?  I know!  I take the long shots, baby.)

In other newsmaking-news, if you mashed Kanye West’s and Patrick Swayze’s names up, you’d get “Patty Wayze”, which sounds like the name of a girl who might be fucking Damon Wayans or something.  Interesting?  Or just dumb?  You decide.

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11 Comments to Oh crap, Patrick Swayze’s dead! I call dibs on his legwarmers!

  1. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 7:31 AM | Permalink

    Dirty Dancing beats Ghost any day of the year, regardless of mood and other circumstances. I have the precious DVD, he lives on!

  2. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 10:16 AM | Permalink

    While I hate to speak ill of the dead, there are few films I like less than Ghost. For the sake of his surviving family, I will blame it all on Demi.

  3. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 11:06 AM | Permalink

    I have a feeling Dirty Dancing DVDs are going to fly off the shelves. Mostly because they’re $5 these days.

    Also, Red Dawn was awesome. I shall remember him for that and that alone.

  4. Cora's Gravatar Cora
    Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 11:13 AM | Permalink

    If I were a celebrity, I’d be living verrrrry carefully this year.

  5. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 11:21 AM | Permalink

    WOOOLLLLLVVVVEEEERRRRIIINNNNEEESSSS!!!!!

  6. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 11:51 AM | Permalink

    Only Patrick Swayze could be in Dirty Dancing, Ghost and that Wong Foo drag queen one and still seem like a bad-ass.

  7. Dog Breath's Gravatar Dog Breath
    Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 12:21 PM | Permalink

    Nobody puts Satan in the corner!

    He’s dirty dancing with the devil now.

  8. E's Gravatar E
    Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 12:27 PM | Permalink

    I stopped reading after “joy is the boss at that level and shoots blue fireballs”

    After laughing my ass off, my eyes were just too too watery to continue to read.

  9. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 12:31 PM | Permalink

    When they line up at the viewing, I bet a coupld people say, “I thought you’d be… bigger.”

    (But, TBS or TNT should be running ‘Road House’ and ‘Next of Kin’ all weekend, so that’s a bonus.)

  10. Augusto's Gravatar Augusto
    Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 12:50 PM | Permalink

    I hate to burst your bubble but Whoopi has been hearing things in her ear for quite a while now on The View.

  11. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 9:13 PM | Permalink

    ditto.

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