Apart from being an awesome humanitarian with my most recent invention, the “Homeless People Gas Chamber Decoy Liquor Store” (eff you and your narrow Nobel prize win, Obama, I’m solving homelessness!), I’m also an awesome judge of blog content.

Yes, I write blogs AND I also read them – but not just read them like any normal person might, I read them with aplomb, whatever that means.  (Something about plums and how they’re so right, I hope.)  I also read them with my eyes.  And smell.  Dr. Zibb’s blog entries smell like what I imagine to be Barbara Streisand’s split-pea soup burps, and Extraneous Kickassery posts always smell like the word ‘Viking’.  (Oh crap, I just realized I’ve got synesthesia!  Shut up with your condescending red tone of disapproval!)

There aren’t many blog posts that I’ll automatically turn away from without even bothering to read.  Yet they ARE out there, and these days they seem to be out in droves.

These kind of blog entries automatically make me close their tab (not the kind of tab where I’m owed money – yet), and it’s important to note that my opinion is the validest of anyone’s because not just anyone gets a Pulitzer Prize for blogging.  In fact no one gets one – but the way I phrased it sounds like I’m the recipient of a Pulitzer Prize for blogging, doesn’t it?  Anyways, I digress, these kind of blog entries make me automatically turn away:

• blogs about children (changed my mind at the last minute)
• serious stuff (changed my mind again, as long as they’re not about crying-type emotions)
• blogs about sports

Even the awesomest of bloggers are out in full force lately, talking about the Philadelphia Braves or the Portland Duck Molesters or the Texas Guano Chompers or whatever the hell teams are playing in whatever the hell sports are having their prom soon.  I can’t take it any more!  AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey look, I’m not telling anyone how to write their blogs, but damn, this is going to be a hard month of blog reading for me until the world series or Stanley Bowl or whatever is over.

(Funny how when someone says, “I’m not telling anyone how to write their blogs but….” they actually ARE telling someone how to write their blogs, hey?  It’s the exact same as someone prefacing something with, “No offense, but…”  OH HELL YES, offense, you can’t dismiss offense by just saying you’ve removed offense!  Like, I can’t just say “You’re not a worthless fuck-bag, but….you’re a worthless fuck-bag.”  IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!  Otherwise I’d say it all the time!)

Anyways, where was I?  Oh yes, you were going to Paypal me some money, sorry for interrupting.  Go ahead, my email address is god@othersideofnormal.com.  I’ll wait ’till you’re done.