If you’re a new visitor to this blog, the first thing you need to know about this blog is that I’m totally into hating stuff here.
This is my little place in the universe to be a complete asshole and not care about how I sound, who I offend, or how many people I made cry. Since God made the ‘back button in web browsers, I think it’s the perfect medium for me to talk about farts and cocks and setting fire to celebrities – if something offends you as the reader, you can just press the appropriate button and poof, you’re back watching videos of kittens running into screen doors and never visit here again – neither you nor I will be at any sort of loss for your poor choice of not reading this blog.
Some people have kid’s sporting events to be assholes at, some people play bingo, other people take courses in cooking where they poo-poo specific douchebag ingredients like ‘water chestnuts’, some people sit on their asses and watch All My Children and grunt to themselves about what cockmaster Tad is. We all need that little place to be assholes.
It comes as no surprise then by all this prefacing that I’ve just done that I’m once again about to be a complete asshole, right? Right!
Asshole moment of the morning:
Take your pink fucking ribbon, tie it around your neck, and hang yourself with it.
The pink ribbon, a noble cause. Curing cancer. Saving lives. Blabbity blah blah. Awesome. I’m totally about saving boobs!
But when I’m buying groceries at the supermarket, you DO NOT ASK ME FOR A DONATION TO YOUR PINK RIBBON CHARITY AT THE CHECKOUT. Why? Because I refuse to donate out of spite that you’re asking me at a place I can’t avoid. I can’t avoid your donation like I do the with the boy scouts that sit at a table by the door and try and guilt you into buying some sort of feeble bad-tasting cookie product to help fund their trip to some sort of cheese factory to help them get their, uh, cheese-making badge.
And to force your employees to ask for donations is very wrong to begin with – what if they disagree with your charity? Also I think it’s cunty of your supermarket chain to say something like, “Safeway donated $10million in support of breast cancer…” …. no, scrotum lickers, *WE* donated – the people you hustled at checkout time donated $10 million, you did very little.
I think I want to have an envelope handy for occasions where I’m being railroaded into donating – it’ll be full of my own donation forms. The cashier will say, “Do you want to donate to breast cancer research?” and I’ll pull out my own donation form and say, “No, but would you like to donate to my ‘Donate to Dan, get him out of a year of work’ fund? Please call your manager too, I’d like to have the store donate some money. I’ll wait.”
Then I’ll stand there and get into philosophical arguments with anyone who’s frustrated with me holding up the line while the manager is on their way to confront me. “Look, how many billions of dollars have been donated to breast cancer? Lots, right? And have they cured it? Not yet. Soooo, you might as well start donating to MY charity – you have no idea what I could accomplish with a year of free time. I might have all this cancer shit wrapped up after a few months, and in that case I’ll even spend the rest of my free time doing something else awesome, like solving world hunger.”
I’d love to yell out my thoughts when it comes to people guilting us at inappropriate places. For example:
Boy scouts at the exit from the supermarket: “Would you like to buy some cookies?”
Me: “STOP RAISING MONEY TO PROPAGATE YOUR PEDOPHILLIC ORGANIZATION!”
or
Me: “PATERNAL ORGANIZATIONS MUST END!! What kid, you don’t know what the word ‘paternal’ means? Ask your mommies, okay?”
Cashier at McDonalds drive-through: “Would you like to make a donation to the kids charity…”
Me: “Yes, right after I finish eating my egg mcmuffin! I’ll be right back!” [Genius, hey?]
or
Me: “Fuck kids, what have they ever done for humanity?? Nothing!! Unless you count ‘wiping their snotty noses on handrails for the betterment of humankind’.”
Anyways, I’m all done being an asshole for now. Thanks for stopping by! Have a good day today, alright? Alright. Love you!
i never donate at grocery stores. does it look like i have that much disposable income when i’m shoving 30 coupons in your hand and asking you to run my bonus card one more time? way to assume assholes.
i mean how much have your zit faced 16 year old check out boys donated to prostate cancer? can i ask them?
no, that would be rude right?
if i wanted to donate, it will be at my own volition. i don’t sit around waiting for some one to ask me to help jerry’s kids.
just saying.
it’s tacky.
When I worked in Telecommunications, they made it almost mandatory to donate to United Way. They told us they expected 100% involvement. I refused to donate, and I told them my story of being laid off from my job while my son was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I asked for help and was turned down because although I was out of work, my potential income was too high because I was in high tech.
true story, I am not trying to be funny here.
That Canadian Boy Scouts thing about selling cookies is all fucked up. At least here in the states, we have the girl scouts handle those cookie chores cause as we all know girls belong in the kitchen cooking and boys belong at the pool hall learning life skills.
God, you should straighten this out.
BRAVO!! I couldn’t agree more with both the supermarket nazis OR the employer nazis who try to guilt me into donating OR the effing co-workers who bring in catalogues for their kids’ fundraisers. Look, you little prick, how about you wash my car for $1.00? Perhaps the next time I’m asked to donate to breast cancer research I’ll respond that I’ve already spent all my available money on a boobjob. As it is, I’ve paid into the U.S. tax system for the past 28 years and now I’m unemployed and can’t even get my annual pap test done!! Besides, I hate people and I will only donate to animal charities. Why, yes, yes, this WAS a rather scattered comment.
Oops …. that’s “about”, not “with” … I agree ABOUT, etc.
Haha. That is all.
Actually, I was unemployed for a year. You would be SHOCKED at how little you will accomplish.
The “cunty” cashier at the supermarket check out would most likely be so shocked by your twist of events at the point of purchase, she just may feel compelled to donate to you.
They’re not the brightest bulbs, those cunty cashiers.
What the fuck is wrong with you?! I can NOT believe you actually know the name of a character on All My Children!! *WHOOOOSH* Hear that? That’s my image of you spiralling down the toilet!!
What the fuck is wrong with you?! I can NOT believe you actually know the name of a character on All My Children!! *WHOOOOSH* Hear that? That’s my image of you spiralling down the toilet!!
Well that was odd. Clearly I felt the need to insult you twice. But you so deserve it. I mean, really, soap operas?! Seriously?!