Well folks, tomorrow’s the big day – Windows 7 is going to be released, and I bet you’ve all been waiting for this motherfucker for months now, right?
I know *I* have, and here’s a list of features why I’ll be out in front of Best Buy tommorrow morning in my snowsuit and nipple tassels (underneath the snow suit, naturally) waiting in line to get my hands on Windows 7:
- Windows 7 will stroke your hair and tell you you’re pretty handsome, so very very pretty handsome. Like Rock Hudson handsome.
- Windows 7 comes preconfigured to know that when you’re weeping at the keyboard, it should bring up pictures of a cat with mittens. (It’s that smart!)
- Windows 7 has been infused with the soul of any deceased relatives you were close with. LOOKOUT grandma, I’m searching for furry fetish message boards, you’d better prepared to see a Muppet getting ass-pounded!
- Windows 7 will help you find a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or if you already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it’ll make your car payments for you. If you’re married, it will make you lose weight and slowly gather incriminating evidence against your spouse, preparing you for the big, big day. You know, the big day you put your bags in the car and head for Sarasota without looking back. Fuck your job, bills, friends, family, your husband is a deadbeat loser with crying issues and it’s time to start the life you’ve always wanted. With Windows 7.
- If you’re from Montana, it will make your penis larger or vagina tighter. (Something about electromagnetic frequencies in that area. The Montana area, I mean, not the groin area. Like latitude and longitude or whatever.)
- The packaging smells a bit like Sandalwood, whatever that is. Maybe kind of like old dress shoes.
- It looks away and turns its screensaver on when you rub your privates against corners of furniture in the room for long periods of time.
- Windows 7 can help you move furniture, or if you’ve already got lots of help moving to your new place, it’ll buy you some beer while you’re working, and even throw the occasional insult at you while you work (if you turn that option on).
- Windows 7 will help you write memes in your blogs. Wicked rad memes!
Well that’s all for now, I’ll probably be liveblogging from the lineup outside the store tomorrow morning, so stay tuned!
I hear that it will organize all of my porn into categories and bring it up for viewing when it senses my blood flow is mis-directed into my brain!
Will it kick Vista’s craptastic ass? ‘Cuz someone needs to.
I think you should leave your nipple tassels exposed cause you will have some wickedly pointy nips in the cold air of dawn. And everyone likes pointy nips.
I’m gonna start sporting Ubuntu instead. I think. I’ll try anyways. Windows is like the slut at the corner, trying to suck every virusspreaders dick for the chance of getting some of that sickness juice. Ugh. So tired of it.
Windows 7 is the devil’s work, clearly.
The only thing I stand in line for is a chance to throw eggs at someone I hate (anonymously of course).
So good luck to you and your nipple tassels…
Don’t bullshit me, you always wear tassels.