The Big News

2009 was a year of heartbreak and tragedy – especially for fans of Michael Jackson, but was also a year of hope and recovery – especially for children in the proximity of Michael Jackson. 2009 was also a year of financial difficulty and economic turmoil – especially for the parents of children in the proximity of Michael Jackson who stood to benefit from their children being in the proximity of Michael Jackson.

In short, 2009 was Michael Jackson’s big year! You might argue that him dying might have sucked for him, but look at all the money it raked in. How can you be pissed from beyond the grave about all the dough you made after you died? You practically paid for ten years of facelifts for your entire family.

2009 wasn’t ALL about Michael Jackson though. There were other newsmakers out there that made 2009 a more memorable year than say, 2006. Remember 2006? Hell no! No celebrities died that year to anchor our existences to. In 2009 people of all ages had their celebrity deaths, from Ed McMahon (if you’re 80 years old) to Brittany Murphy (if you’re 20 years old) to Patrick Swayze (if you’re 30) to Bea Arthur (if you like masturbating to Bea Arthur) (like I do).

And yet, 2009 wasn’t all about death. There was life anew. Like Twitter. Motherfucking Twitter. 2009 brought Twitter to the forefront of the world – sure, it’s been around for a few years, but 2009 was all about Ashton Kutcher showing his wang on Twitter and making it globally popular. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Fucked if I know, I’ve never used Twitter nor saw Ashton Kutcher’s wang, so I have no idea what the big hooplah is – although I know, in all seriousness, if you can and want to summarize your existence at any particular point of your life in 140 characters or less, you should probably just fuck off.

Politics

2009 was also a year of change. George Bush unsuccessfully rewrote the laws to prevent him from ever having to abdicate the throne, and the US scored a win with Barack Obama. Actually, they more scored a win with a no-McCain/Palin than anything. That was a close call wasn’t it, gang? Oh sure, not everyone out there will agree with my assessment, but pretty much everyone can agree the only thing Palin would have left behind after 4 years had she been elected is a few questionable skidmark stains on chairs in the Oval Office. Yeah, I imagine her vagina is leaky and stuff.

In Honduras, some dude that looks like a cowboy and Ron Jeremy fucked and had a baby, got evicted from his presidency and then came back or something. I’m not sure, there was some deal where he was in another country hurling long-distance insults at the people that kicked him out. That’s kinda the last I heard of it, but I bet it was important stuff.

And in Russia, Vladimir Putin just kept on being angry-looking, no big news there. Someone needs to pie that asshole in the face, there’s no reason for him to be so cranky unless he has an anal fissure, I heard those can be pretty angering.

Technology

In terms of technology, 2009 was Apple’s big year. Steve Jobs successfully hunted down a homeless man and ate his liver, thereby extending his life by double. With a renewed vigor, Jobs singlehandedly solved world starvation and cured cancer. Just kidding, he banged Feist. Just kidding again, he put a video camera in some iPhones.

And every dollar Apple made from someone else’s application that was made for the iPhone, they put towards buying mosquito nets for people in third world countries. Just kidding, they used it to buy a giant mural of Steve Jobs painted like Che Guevara’s picture, but on the side of a building in downtown Los Angeles to advertise his virility because he’s trying to bang Feist. Just kidding, I have no clue what the heck’s going on with the money, but I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs is trying to bang Feist.

In other news, Windows 7 came out to the tune of rave reviews. Not ‘rave’ as in the kind where you take a bunch of ecstasy and have a bunch of sex with whatever person or piece of furniture happens to be nearest your crotch, I mean ‘rave’ as in ‘good’. This is big news for people who have to explain concepts like ‘right-clicking’ to our parents, because now we’ll have to do it all over again in two years when they upgrade their computers just because the default screen saver looks a little different.  More frikking work.

Entertainment

A new Star Trek movie came out in 2009, and after seeing it twice I have reconsidered my opinion and think it sucks junk harder than a waitress trying to get Tiger Wood’s phone number. Yeah, that’s pretty much it in terms of movies that matter this year.

Speaking of Tiger Woods, I’m not all that concerned with his dalliances. Except for the fantastic jokes that have came out about him, his extramarital affairs haven’t affected me personally all that much, except substantially decreasing the number of potential sexual partners I’d consider should the earth need repopulating due to nuclear fallout.  What’s the big deal?

In music, Kanye West proved in 2009 that:
1) He shouldn’t be around white chicks
2) He shouldn’t be allowed on stage
3) He wants to snog Beyonce
4) He is the funniest piece of shit I’ve ever seen.

Is that really music though, or is that more about general douchebaggery? Fuggit, I’m still listening to Styx every day, so what do I know about what happened in music in 2009? Here: Dave Matthews. Is he still relevant? Did just mentioning his name make me hip? Dave Matthews again then. Dave fucking Matthews. I’d better be careful not to look in a mirror and say his name three times like I just did, he might appear behind me and get me sick with his pasty-nonsense-thinking disease.

Also, can we agree that hip-hop has finally died? No? Well then, I’ll give it another year, maybe Chris Brown will slap it to death in 2010.

In television, the best TV show ever made in the history of TV shows being made ended. (Battlestar Galactica, for those of you not in the know.) New TV programs without exception sucked donkey semen, led by the greatest of shit shows – “Big Bang Theory”, quite possibly the worst show ever made if not for the contention provided by the existence of “Murder She Wrote” and “Grey’s Anatomy”.

All in all, it wasn’t an exceptional year for movies, TV, and music, but it was certainly better than 2001 when the only show on TV for literally months in a row was that sitcom with those planes crashing into all those buildings. Man, that show sucked, I don’t even know what it was about, all I remember is that it starred Will Ferrell impersonating George Bush day in and day out.

Economy

If I’m not mistaken, there was some stuff going on with people losing their jobs/houses/savings. We’re all done with that now, right? We’re all rich again, or is that just me? Sorry if it’s just me, I’m not all that in-touch with the common man.  Attribute that to getting rich from selling bachelor degrees from the University of North Virginia online.

Other Odds and Ends

Remember this year when Facebook was taken over by a bunch of emo teenagers in Oklahoma in order to get a girl’s attention? Probably not, because I made that up. But 2009 was a busy year for hackers. For example, Iran hacked Twitter and that was pretty fucking fantastic. That’s also the only example of hacking I can think of, except for that time I punked Dr. Zibbs, so maybe it wasn’t a ‘busy’ year per se, just in my mind right at this moment.

In 2009 Bernie Madoff was convicted of yelling too much during football games and sent to jail for life. Uh, or was that Bernie Madden? John Madden? Look, I don’t know – you brought this shit up. Okay, you didn’t bring this shit up.

I guess that’s about it for right now.  To each of you, have a Merry Christmas or whatever throat-hackey-sounding made-up equivalent you celebrate!