Some people thrive from being asked their holiday plans by strangers and heck, people in general. It’s almost like some people ENJOY being asked intrusive and pointless questions. But me – I always feel like saying something snarky because I generally dislike conversation, unless the conversation is about some way of rewarding me financially for something I have or have not done or else praising me for something I have or have not done with my penis.

The following is a list of things to reply to someone with if you’re like me and you’ve unfortunately been asked “What are you doing on New Year’s Eve?” by say, a client or a business contact who is making small-talk on the phone:

-”Myself and my wife have arranged a whole bunch of chimpanzees from the zoo to be brought in for the night. I bet you have no idea how long it takes to whip together 100 gallons of whipped cream and Astroglide for such an event.”

-”Checking out the situation.”

-”We’re attending a special party…saaaaaayyy, what are you doing tonight? I bet you’re totally into Lego and bondage! You want to come?”

-”Watching season 2 of Baywatch on DVD. David Hasselhoff will be narrating, but from the kitchen, he’s not allowed on the couch or in the living room.”

-”Two words: Coloring books.”

-”Eating pickles and fucking your mother.”

-”Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and the gang spend their whole day trapped and lost in a parking garage? Well, kinda like that, but with high-powered assault rifles and elderly people with Alzheimers and walkie-talkies and stuff. It’s a special once a year event – not quite charity, but not entirely for pleasure either. I mean yeah, it’s a lot of fun, but a week or two later I’m always regretting certain things, it’s hard to keep in mind that ‘things are done for the better’. I don’t want to get into details, can I tell you what I got for Christmas instead? Surprise, a high-powered assault rifle and some new running shoes!”

-”Usually by 10pm I’m out like a light. Eating baby flesh is like eating turkey, all the tryptophan knocks me right out. If I ever hear Dick Clarke’s voice, it’s a bloody miracle.”

-”Grabbing 2009′s ass on its way out. It’s a YILF, awwwww yeaaaaah.”

-”Going to church for midnight mass. Just kidding. Going to a mosque. Just kidding. Probably picking up some hooker and collecting more teeth for the miniature ferris-wheel ride project I’m building in my spare room.”

-”Watching porn with my kids.”

-”Anal bleaching appointment at 10pm, then hitting the gym, as long as it’s not burning too bad. Usually I can take it, unless the person doing the bleaching gets frisky.”

-”Private concert-slash-dance with Bon Jovi, but he won’t be playing, ohhhhhh no. He’ll be roasting over a big bonfire. Loverboy is playing.”

-”I’m sorry, could you rephrase that?” [Keep saying that until they hang up.]

Anyways, what are you all doing for New Year’s Eve? Just kidding, I don’t want to know.

Happy New Years, bitches!