Apparently some dude tried to blow up a plane over Christmas with exploding underwear.  Like any sort of event involving airplanes, the world has responded by freaking the fuck out and installing super-duper scanning equipment at airports around the world for the slight cost of $18 trillion plus tax.

If you’ve seen the resolution of this scanning equipment, you’ll immediately realize that whatever you’re currently doing with your life right now, you’re in the wrong business.  You need to be in airport security where you have to check out people’s junk all day and get paid for it!

Well hello ma’am!  That ass-crack is the ass-crack of a TERRORIST!

Yes folks, I am retiring from my job as the pilot of Airwolf (been doing it for years, my handle is ‘Longfellow Perigrine McQuade’), drinking a bunch of rubbing alcohol and varnish to kill off what’s left of my brain cells, and joining the airport security team.  And yes, if you pass my checkpoint, I will be selling photos of you in your skivvies on the internet after I masturbate to them – unless of course you happen to be a man, in which case I will somehow blazackmail you by threatening to make public your Prince Albert.  Click that link, I dare you.

Of course, people are going to be crying about civil liberties and that because of the actions of one man, our dinks and beavers are going to be visible on a daily basis to the people who weren’t intelligent or motivated enough to become “personal security for Steve Miller”.  Yes, that’s true, and to reinforce your rabid beliefs, let me remind you of a famous quote from someone you might have heard of:

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.  Hey Thomas, is that your maid?  She’s totally hot.  Oh, that’s your daughter?  Tarnations, these spectacles offer neither focus nor discretion.  Jesus man, stop writing down everything I …

-Benjamin Franklin

Granted, the next thing that came out of his mouth was,

…Y’know, unless something get invented that allows us to see chick’s clams without them giving us permission, or hell, even knowing.  In that case then, maybe we should consider giving up just a little bit of freedom.  Since this is transcribed in longhand, you won’t see that “giving up just a little bit of freedom” in the last sentence was italicized, which is a shame since you won’t understand the slight change in tone which gives the sentence a slightly different contextual meaning as if I were being sly but also being serious at the same time.

-Benjamin Franklin

I’m against this stupid incessant drive to make the world a safer place by throwing up new security measure every time someone shits themselves on a plane.  Dude, have you ever watched an episode of “Jersey Shore” or a movie with Vin Diesel in it or driven through Los Angeles?  We need LESS people, so let’s let liberty reign, no security ever!

So, let me end this blog entry by stating that you should clearly revolt every time you’re at an airport.  Put up a stink, no one should have the right to see your choice of pubic hair styling just because some jackass tried to blow up a plane with explosive fruit of the looms.  Send an email to your local political representative, this time stating your disgust with the erosion of freedoms and rights instead of sending pictures of said political representative having sex with his latina maid in a parkade downtown over a series of months.  Speak out!  Unless of course you happen to be at an airport in a line somewhere in front of me – in that case, screw you and your liberties right in your ass that we’re all about to see on www.airportsecurityvoyeurporn.com.