“If I wanted to see blue people fighting with bows and arrows, I would continue smothering this little tribesman I smuggled home from the rainforest in my luggage.”
-Me

I read this morning that Avatar is on its way to grossing more money than Elvis, the Beatles, Titanic, Striptease, Jimmy’s Seafood Shack, an empty tin can, Ron Howard, Jesus and Moses, and Baywatch combined.

While I applaud the fact that the stinking pile of shit that is Titanic will likely be dethroned after about 98 years as the top grossing film of all time (that was a reality documentary wasn’t it?), I’m a little concerned that James Cameron will be the one doing his own dethroning.

First of all, now that he has all of the money in the universe after getting rich off all these movies, will he buy our souls and make us work in some sort of spirit-mine after we die? I am not into working for James Cameron, despite him being a Canadian and therefore a wonderful humanitarian by that attribute alone, as we all know to be true. I don’t know how all this spirituality stuff works, but he is not going to own the mortgage on my ethereal junk.

Second of all, will his definition of beauty – Sigourney Weaver/Linda Hamilton/actresses with a whole bunch of angles and quite possibly not women at all with their penises and muscles and everything – become the societal standard definition of ‘beauty’? Dear James, Jimmy, I do not want to buy into your manly woman pr0n. I like that women are heroes and not relegated to whining and advertising hair products for 7500+ minutes in your movies, but man, if you ever boned one of your heroines for real, you would cut your elbow or knee on their face or shoulders during the sexual relations. At least one out of every two men agree with this statement, as long as I’m one of the two. (Also, please note: I don’t condone boning Sigourney Weaver or Linda Hamilton, I’m just speaking hypothetically.)

Third, I’m concerned about Jimmy Cameron making it okay for top-grossing films to suck total balls. While technically speaking, Titanic was possibly one of the worst movies ever conceived, at the very least it bared Kate Winslette’s boobs and therefore had at least one redeemable factor. Avatar, however, appears to have absolutely zero amount of Kate Winslette’s naked breasts (by screen time, in minutes), unless all of the trailers and movie reviewers carelessly left out that detail. If they did, shame on me and my lack of research for this entry. But even IF Avatar had Kate Winslette’s naked breasts (or even one naked breast, perhaps hanging from a shirt or feeding a newborn or writing a name in the snow with nipple-milk) I don’t think it could make up for a bunch of blue forest people who are not Smurfs being able to put up serious opposition to laser cannons, jets, tanks, and all sorts of modern technology. I call bullshit.

Last but not least disturbing about Cameron’s latest victory over all of our wallets, I totally do NOT forgive him for not first making a 3D documentary involving sex with his 3D technology. What better testbed for 3D than in a real bed?

Come to think of it, maybe not – I’d rather not see sperm flying at me in a dark room unless it was part of some ploy to pay off my student loans or to finance angular plastic surgery to make me beautiful in the eyes of society.

I urge you people to not spend your money on watching Avatar. Instead, consider spending your money on skin-tag removal products this winter. Your children will appreciate not seeing a floppy piece of flesh dangling on your neck any longer when you’re at the pool.

Thanks for stopping by!