Hello fine citizens of the internet, is today the day you’re back at the office/school/truck stop to make a few bucks?

Yeah, I’m back at work today myself, and I totes squandered my holidays over the last couple of weeks. There were all sorts of things I procrastinated about from like September, “Yeah, when I have a few days off in a row, maybe at Christmas, I’m going to solve cancer/clean the closet/build a giant sexual device that flips someone upside down and shakes violently,” but of course, none of that stuff happened. I’ll do it this spring.

For the most part, I sat on the couch and ate things, sometimes for several concurrent days. Not eating fancy things like fruitcake or Gorgonzola or Christmas potato chips (Santa-Salt flavored), it was all more or less things like you would be eating as if you were going on a long trip for a month and needed to clean out the fridge. “Oh crap, there’s relish here in the fridge I completely forgot about … and there are some sort of whole-grain crackers in the cupboards … and tuna, hmmm, perhaps … they … can … work … together? In a symphony/explosion of taste?”

And for Christmas dinner there was pork instead of the usual turkey, we all know Jesus would have been 100% behind eating pulled pork roast slow-cooked in BBQ sauce. If J-bone had tasted pa-zork, in Brian 3:16 it would have surely stated, “And the Lord said, filleth thou slow-cookers 1/4 fill of sauce and onions and that’s all, cook that shitteth for however long, like all day, and eateth it, and praiseth the Lord for pork. And don’t forget to goeth to Church on Sundayeth, my children.” Just kidding, Jesus would have been against churches, he wasn’t all about propping up buildings and giving people fancy hats as far as I know.

However uneventful this holiday season was though, I’ve already been making plans for next year, You see, sitting on the couch so much this year and watching so many commercials featuring starving African children pouting to John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas” song, a fantastic idea for next year popped in my head. My idea is to have a drinking game next year at Christmas time – every time I see a starving African kid on TV, I’m going to have a shot of rum or vodka or maybe some sort of cheap tequila. “WELL HELLO YOU BEAUTIFUL STARVING AFRICAN CHILD *HIC* YOU ARE MAKING MY CHRISTMAS … COMPLETE! YESSSSssssSSSsSss, ANOTHER OXFAM COMMERCIAL!”

Holy crap, I’m going to get wrecked!

I realize that’s not entirely noble or classy, but then again, someone should benefit from all of those charity commercials. I may not end up sponsoring a child for only 39 cents a day, but I’m going to end up sponsoring my cirrhosis, which if you think about it, is much like a charity since it’s an exotic and important sounding word with that silent ‘h’ tucked in it.

Anyhoo, I hope your Christmas/New Years break was full of hot and steamy orgasms and your family and friends were all busy far far away and all their phones were broken and you could just do whatever you wanted for like a week straight without being interrupted by people going through the motions of wishing you a happy-this or merry-that, cause damnit, you deserve a nice break.