>Category Archives:
Topical Ointment
#An open letter to Oscar#
Note to Oscar or whoever runs the show: Dear Oscar, You and I have a less-than-storied history – usually every year I skip your pomp and ceremony, electing instead to catch up on activities such as sharpening the kitchen knives, pulling hair out of the bathtub drain, and sorting black and white porno classics in [...]
#Just a reminder…#
The winter Olympics may be over, but they’re not really over. You see, we tend to forget the other Olympics – the Paranormal Winter Olympics – that are just about to start on the heels of the last 17 days. To be honest, I’m never really sure what happens during the Paranormal Olympics. In the [...]
#Toyota and the Jacksons#
Lately there’s been a big buzz over Toyota cars exploding or transforming into Gobot overlords and then eating people or something like that. Oh right, their brake pedals stick down, or the accelerators stick down. What happens if they BOTH stick down? You’ve got nothing to complain about in that case then, have you. No [...]
#Airport screening – the new pornographers#
Apparently some dude tried to blow up a plane over Christmas with exploding underwear. Like any sort of event involving airplanes, the world has responded by freaking the fuck out and installing super-duper scanning equipment at airports around the world for the slight cost of $18 trillion plus tax. If you’ve seen the resolution of [...]
#New Year’s Eve 2009#
Some people thrive from being asked their holiday plans by strangers and heck, people in general. It’s almost like some people ENJOY being asked intrusive and pointless questions. But me – I always feel like saying something snarky because I generally dislike conversation, unless the conversation is about some way of rewarding me financially for [...]
#A Christmas Card, from me to you#
Please to be enjoying! (Reload the page for a new one!)
#Hollywood Christmas Carols!#
(sing to the tune of Jingle Bells) Matt Dil-lon, Matt Dil-lon, Let me touch your eye-brow. I’m glad you Succeeded Despite your obvious deformity. — (sing to the tune of Jingle Bells) Ben Af-fleck Ben Af-fleck You’ve got a huge chin. Too bad Matt Damon Can’t get you roles In any more movies he’s in. [...]
#Dear Santa, 2009#
Dear Santa, You and I go way back, you’ve had a history of disappointing me and I’ve had a history of insulting and ridiculing you and your goiter problems, so let’s just set that all aside this year, shall we? I know you’re busy dry humping elves in a corner behind your plastic extrusion machine [...]
#V – is for Veterans, Visitors, and Venereal Dog Vomit#
Today is a day of thoughtful reflection, a day we pay our respects to those who gave their lives for our freedoms, like our freedom to produce a big steaming pile of venomous shit that is the new ‘V’ series. You’ll be happy to know that your grandparents laid down their lives to allow funny [...]
#Top Commenters (For Whom I Reserve The Hugest Erections)#
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---Get Crackin'---
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