Ahhh, by now you’ve torn through enough wrapping paper to cover North America ten times, your kids (if applicable) are freaking out with their new Pokemon v4.1 toys, your spouses are suitably cranky, and you probably have a bit of a headache and want to go back to sleep.  Am I close?

Christmas day is always fucked up.  From 8-10AM everyone opens presents, the regular breakfast schedule is all messed up, and then by extension the lunch schedule is messed up.  You’re wondering that since the turkey will be done at 4pm in order to appease those weirdo family members that came to visit and eat so frikking early in the day, you might as well skip lunch too and end up eating a bunch of chocolate instead - by the time Christmas dinner rolls around you’re not even hungry, your body is fucked up, you’re coming down off your sugar high and all you want to do is punch people.

Well, that is unless you’re Muslim or Jewish - then your day is spent praying and engineering bombs as per normal or eating Chinese food and coming up with jokes about your neurotic mother, respectively.

Well anyways, whether your a Christian or a Hindu or a Tao monkey chicken Zen Buddhist kamikaze [Note to self, it's too early to come up with anything that makes sense], have a good day and enjoy yourself.  If you’re playing hockey at all today, make sure to keep both hands on your stick and look your opponents in the shoulders cause that’s how you KNOW where they’re going to skate to.

Merry Christmas!

Right now while you people are running around and last minute shopping for Christmas gifts, there is a war waging on all around you.  It could be happening right down the street, it could be right across your hallway.  And you wouldn’t even know.  And it’s got nothing to do with bomb-making middle-eastern fanatics trying to show you that Allah is better than whatever God it is that you subscribe to.

See, right now the Scientologists are fighting for your soul.  They are making brochures to try and get you into an audit to cure your chaotic inner-self, they are tromping around in the bitter freezing cold looking for Thetans to save, and behind the scenes they are planning on taking over the government  by installing Scientologist-friendly politicians into power.  All to save your heathen asses from the great space opera that threatens the entire universe.

I encourage you to pause for a moment while you’re watching your favorite Christmas movies and think about the hard working people that never stop trying to take all of your money, strip you of all your current family associations and religious beliefs, crush your psychological well-being save your very soul.

Just when I thought things were going well at my new job, the dude who was training me (but hadn’t really got around to training me yet because he’d been swamped with client problems) got shitcanned the night before last.

I came in for work yesterday and the first thing I saw was about 100 frustrated client emails in my inbox along with one saying “As of tonight, XXXX will no longer be working for us.  Please forward all technical issues to Dan.”  Whoa, dudes, I was hired to do technical writing and web and graphic design, not sit on the phone all day and placate angry customers - cause if that’s the case all that will happen is the customers will shift from ‘angry’ to ‘infuriated’ since I avoid the phone and dealing with people at all costs.  There’s a reason I WRITE everything, because I don’t like fucking talking, dudes!  At least not to angry people.

Then the bosses promptly sent out emails to all of our customers with outstanding technical issues saying shit like, “We’re proud to introduce you to Dan who will be spearheading our technical support department, please forward your concerns and issues to him…”

What department?  It’s only ME!  Spearheading?  You mean ‘Wet noodling’, don’t you?

I have NO idea what the heckI’m doing - at ALL.  Hell, I’m supposed to understand a complete system that’s taken 15 years to continually build on in less than three or four days of actual training?  And the only other person there who can show me anything is also departing for good, tomorrow is his last day!  Yowsa.

I’ve got confidence that I’ll be fine, but shit is gonna get ugly these next while.  Blech, and who fires someone a week before Christmas?  “Merry Christmas dude, your new baby and wife are going to be returning those presents you bought them real quick!  Get used to standing in the returns and exchanges line at Walmart for the holidays!”

If you don’t mind, please send me angry sounding words and comments.  I’d like to get used to them.

Whenever I hear the phrase, “Renal failure” I chuckle a lot on the inside.

I’m sure renal failure is something quite serious and morbid, but I can’t help but thinking of ‘rectal failure’ instead.

The thought of running around, looking behind yourself, worrying about leakage, and maybe wearing a man-xi pad for protection cracks me up.  Thank God doctors can either get over the humorous connection or else don’t get it at all or….

Doctor:  Nurse, grab the kidney transfuckulator STAT, we have an emergency!

Nurse:  What’s happening?

Doctor:  This man is experiencing renal failure!  I need 10 cc’s of sodium nitroglycerol STAT!

Nurse:  [snickering]

Doctor:  What’s so funny?

Nurse:  [cracking up] Does he need some TP stat, too?  Hahaha!

Doctor:  What are you talking about?

Nurse:  You know, renal….rectal, haha, they’re kinda the same words!

Doctor:  [cracking up now too]  Hahaha, you’re SO RIGHT!  I never thought of that in all of my years as a kidney specialist!  Haha!  Wow!!

Nurse:  Hahahahahaha, isn’t it hilarious?

Doctor:  [after a long bout of laughing] Hahaha, crazy, now where were we?

Nurse: [wiping tears from her eyes] Ahhh, man that was soooo funny.  Whew.  I think we were about to make out on this table next to this dying man?

Doctor:  Right!  Let’s kiss, for I am as handsome as George Clooney and you are as beautiful as some actress on Gray’s Anatomy.

Nurse:  Yes, let’s.

Doctor:  [snickering again]  Pfft!!  Rectal failure!!