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Unfrozen Caveman lawyer |
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Robert Pattinson |
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The Geico Guy |
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Fred Flintstone |
Monday, November 16, 2009
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World’s most famous cavemen I
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
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Weird Finds! I
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Since I’ve got the day off, I thought I’d honor our brave men and women by playing around on Google Maps.
Star Trek: Kirk vs. The Gorn
Remember of the episode of Star Trek called Arena, where Kirk pranced around cliffs, put together a makeshift gun from obvious elements laying around, and threw big styrofoam boulders without abandon?
This is where it was filmed, along with a million other TV shows and movies.
So you want to work in a bulldozer?
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Busy office seeks office administrator to look out window and give finger to tourists.
Extreme America
The furthest point east in Continental America: You’re lookin’ at it.
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The furthest south you can get in continental USA: You’re also lookin’ at it.
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The real middle America: You’re lookin’ at it.
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The lowest point in America You’re lookin’ at it, and it’s not Mel Gibson’s career.
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Today is a day of thoughtful reflection, a day we pay our respects to those who gave their lives for our freedoms, like our freedom to produce a big steaming pile of venomous shit that is the new ‘V’ series.
The motherfuckers in this scene CLAPPED POLITELY in the streets after seeing a giant alien ship park itself over New York.
You’ll be happy to know that your grandparents laid down their lives to allow funny little people with horn rimmed glasses at ABC to decide that for the new ‘V’ series, the most important thing in humanity to ever occur – namely alien motherships rolling into the atmosphere and making first contact with the human race – should take a mere 5 minutes and be as underwhelming and meaningless as possible. Yes, finding that someone parked in your allotted parking stall is far more shocking and disturbing than realizing we’re not alone in the universe.
I’m sure that when Bob, a Navy mechanic, was blown from the deck of a destroyer in the Pacific in 1944 by enemy shrapnel, the foremost thing on his mind while his soul was ripped from his body was that, some 65 years later, people would have the choice to rip off a classic TV series about aliens infiltrating human society, as they eventually would with ‘V’, and turn it into a raging sterile piece of network shit about a bunch of people we couldn’t care less about running around and doing a bunch of things we couldn’t care less about for all sorts of one dimensional reasons we couldn’t care less about.
Thanks men and women from the era when smoking was a healthy choice and children played in the streets without attention dysfunction disorders, thanks for delivering us from tyranny and oppression. You’d be so proud of what we’ve done with our television programs.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
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Weird Finds I
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Welcome to a new feature on the blog! I’m going to call it ‘Weird Finds’, and I’m not talking about the ‘weird finds’ like the bumps you might feel between your poopchute and your teabag a month or so after your visit to Madame Carnale’s Peep Parlor.
I’m talking about the weird finds I come across when exploring Google Maps. I frikking LOVE looking at maps and bopping around the planet and seeing what sort of oddball things I can find. Oddball things … like this one:
The Winchester Mystery House
Oh hellz, is this the house that ever ends?
Nope, in fact, no one really knows how many rooms there are. It was built by an old lady who had a lot of money and who, instead of spending it all on male gigolos that look like Mark Harmon (which I would do if I were a rich old lady), she spent it on psychics and other charlatans who told her that she’d be cursed if she ever stopped building on to her house.
The joke was on her though, she died eventually. Then Steven King wrote a book about the house, except instead of paying some sort of royalties, he called the house “Rose Red”, populated it with really bad actors, and moved it to the fine state of Washington.
Muh-muh-muh My Tra-tra-trona
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Zoom in on this dude and have a look around the neighborhood! Shit, that guy is Mel Gibson!
“Excuse me, Mr. Gibson, have you picked out a dune buggy to race around the desert in to search for marauders to kill yet? We have some nice models over here behind you.” Creepy.
Speaking of Mel Gibson, here’s his house:
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He has a large tennis court, as we can see, on which I image he runs around saying things like, “Didja see that sugartits, Jesus made me ace that shot!”
Monday, November 2, 2009
If you’ve got an untrustworthy cell phone that you use as an alarm clock, then you’re probably up an hour early today like I am. I swear that my cell phone is out to fuck with me however it can, probably bitter with neglect because I’ve only used it once in three months and that was to just see if I had Tetris on it while I waited for a tow truck or something.
Daylight savings time is an institution of the devil, I tell you. I grew up in a part of the world that never had any time changes (in Soviet Russia, time changes YOU) so I’ve never really understood the whole thing. Yes yes, the sun sets later, I get that, but that’s the hour I’m driving home and all angry still after calling my clients ‘cockswillers’ with the phone on mute all day. So it’s an hour that’s lost on me anyways, it might as well be dark out. I do like an extra hour of sleep the Monday after the time changes, but as you can see, that didn’t turn out so well this morning.
However, being up an hour early this morning gives me all sorts of time to do important things, like listening to Iron Maiden, getting all pumped up and loading up a flash drive full of Iron Maiden songs to take to work, thinking about how I’ll have Iron Maiden cranked at work loud enough to drown out my coworker’s ghastly phone voices, and generally being pleased with my Iron Maiden choices this morning.
Have I ever mentioned that I love Iron Maiden? It’s true! I also love Abba and Vivaldi -do you see my additional sensitive side?- but only Iron Maiden fills me with the pleasure of getting a geography/history/sociology/psychology/science lesson with each song.
For one, they have about 72 albums and about 70 of them are live albums, so nine out of every ten songs starts with “Raise your fucking hands Borginkie!” or “Scream it for me Dongleton!” Where the hell are all these places? You’ve gotta have an atlas handy if you want to make sense of it all.
And then their lyrics are always about WW2 battles, Egyptian pharaohs, abortion, Greek mythology, democracy, religion, or some other mind-expanding subject. Your grade 8 social studies teacher only needed to play Iron Maiden songs for the whole class every day and you’d be all full of knowledge and angst and revolution to this day. Heck, I learned more about Jesus from listening to Iron Maiden’s Killers album than I learned in three years at the seminary.
Just kidding, I never went to a seminary.
(It sounds too much like ‘semen’. Not that there’s anything wrong with semen, I just don’t want future priests coming on me. Or my face. Like in a porno. That I rented last week. Nothing wrong with it at all.)
Anyways, I’m glad you stopped by this morning, I have a big present for you! Kidding, no presents, just words.
Friday, October 30, 2009
So the internet is poised to allow non-latin characters for domain names in mid-November. What does this mean for you?
It means a whole new wave of spam for http://www.???.com.
Oh shit, you probably have no idea what that means, do you? (Hell, neither do I.)
While us latin-y people are grumbling about how it’s going to make our lives worse (it is – thanks internet geniuses), millions of people around the world will be able to go to their own regional web sites and look for ??, ??????? ????, ???????????, and ??????? ? ??????? ???????. (The first person to decipher those phrases in the comments gets a personalized photoshopped picture of what I imagine the winner to look like in very very low lighting, possibly naked, but you can’t tell by looking.)
I’m on the fence on the issue – I think it’s great that people can use their own cabbage-y sounding languages to browse to their local fish market’s web site to see what the catch of the day is, and millions of Chinese people can link the fuck out of our sites and bewilder our traffic tracking. (Oh hey, all of a sudden I have a trillion hits on my blog coming from ???????.com, is that good?)
But on the other hand, I think people should be forced to speak English, if for no other reason than I’m a asshole.
Note: As soon as I posted this entry, my Japanese words for “vomiting in mouth” and Greek “I like other hairy men’s bottoms” were replaced with question marks. To apologize for ruining the contest I mentioned, all you disappointed people just ask and I’ll photoshop what I imagine you to look like into something nice, promise.
Wait, maybe not a ‘promise’ per se. Maybe just ‘good intentions’.
Wait, maybe not a ‘promise’ per se. Maybe just ‘good intentions’.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Apart from being an awesome humanitarian with my most recent invention, the “Homeless People Gas Chamber Decoy Liquor Store” (eff you and your narrow Nobel prize win, Obama, I’m solving homelessness!), I’m also an awesome judge of blog content.
Yes, I write blogs AND I also read them – but not just read them like any normal person might, I read them with aplomb, whatever that means. (Something about plums and how they’re so right, I hope.) I also read them with my eyes. And smell. Dr. Zibb’s blog entries smell like what I imagine to be Barbara Streisand’s split-pea soup burps, and Extraneous Kickassery posts always smell like the word ‘Viking’. (Oh crap, I just realized I’ve got synesthesia! Shut up with your condescending red tone of disapproval!)
There aren’t many blog posts that I’ll automatically turn away from without even bothering to read. Yet they ARE out there, and these days they seem to be out in droves.
These kind of blog entries automatically make me close their tab (not the kind of tab where I’m owed money – yet), and it’s important to note that my opinion is the validest of anyone’s because not just anyone gets a Pulitzer Prize for blogging. In fact no one gets one – but the way I phrased it sounds like I’m the recipient of a Pulitzer Prize for blogging, doesn’t it? Anyways, I digress, these kind of blog entries make me automatically turn away:
- blogs about children (changed my mind at the last minute)
- serious stuff (changed my mind again, as long as they’re not about crying-type emotions)
- blogs about sports
Even the awesomest of bloggers are out in full force lately, talking about the Philadelphia Braves or the Portland Duck Molesters or the Texas Guano Chompers or whatever the hell teams are playing in whatever the hell sports are having their prom soon. I can’t take it any more! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey look, I’m not telling anyone how to write their blogs, but damn, this is going to be a hard month of blog reading for me until the world series or Stanley Bowl or whatever is over.
(Funny how when someone says, “I’m not telling anyone how to write their blogs but….” they actually ARE telling someone how to write their blogs, hey? It’s the exact same as someone prefacing something with, “No offense, but…” OH HELL YES, offense, you can’t dismiss offense by just saying you’ve removed offense! Like, I can’t just say “You’re not a worthless fuck-bag, but….you’re a worthless fuck-bag.” IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! Otherwise I’d say it all the time!)
Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, you were going to Paypal me some money, sorry for interrupting. Go ahead, my email address is god@othersideofnormal.com. I’ll wait ’till you’re done.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
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H1N1 I
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Yesterday the government released the H1N1 vaccine (H1N1 = HINI, right? Hiney!) onto the local masses and have encouraged everyone to go and get it, despite not providing any real reason to go and get it.
People have been lining up at the gates to receive their shots, which isn’t surprising to me seeing as how Canadians and every good at doing what they’re told. Heck, the moment Tim Horton’s puts out a commercial to “Go and buy a pumpkin-flavoured donut”, drive-through’s around the nation are overwhelmed with elderly people who try to pay for their $2.19 coffee and donut order with cheques. We’re a nation of accommodating idiots, really, and goddamnit, we’re nice about it too.
I haven’t went and got the shot, in fact I’ll never go and get the shot, even if it were mandatory. I have many reasons for not getting it, but the biggest reason is because of the ingredients of the shot. Any of you who have done your homework will nod approvingly or disapprovingly and say to yourself, “squalene“. But no, that’s not it.
Sure, squalene might be a dangerous component, but there’s something else in the swine flu shots that is probably far more dangerous and threatening to my health than squalene, see for yourself:
Look a little closer….
Aha, can you see it?
Fuck that.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
A coworker of mine continually feeds me YouTube videos all day. He’s like my own personal video-vetter, sifting through the crap and sending me the good stuff. I’m sure each and every one of you has a friend like that, right?
The other day at work he sent me this video, and as always, he came running over to my desk to see my reaction. I guess you could say my reactions was somewhat chuckley, but not the roaring laughter he was expecting to see.
See, the embarrassing truth is that I’ve never actually seen the “two girls one cup” video (oh hey, that’s not safe for work to click on!) everyone has been talking about since the beginning of the internet. Yes, it’s true!
That is until this morning.
As I lay in bed this morning wishing that I wasn’t awake ’cause it was only 8am on a Saturday morning, I thought, “Oh hell, that two girls one cup video, yeah, today’s the day.”
So, I watched it. I never thought I was capable of turning away from something I saw on my screen until today. Yes, *I* got grossed out. Me. Yours truly. The guy that finds and eats used chewing gum he finds on the on the underside of tables at McDonalds on a regular basis. (Kidding, but do you see how I was able to joke about it?)
Maybe I’m just getting old, maybe my tastes are maturing, I don’t know, but my stomach has churned each out of the hundred or so times I’ve watched the video this morning. If you haven’t already taken the plunge and watched the video, I suggest you do. It’s fantastic and horrible and wonderful and disgusting.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
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Windows 7 Preview I
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Well folks, tomorrow’s the big day – Windows 7 is going to be released, and I bet you’ve all been waiting for this motherfucker for months now, right?
I know *I* have, and here’s a list of features why I’ll be out in front of Best Buy tommorrow morning in my snowsuit and nipple tassels (underneath the snow suit, naturally) waiting in line to get my hands on Windows 7:
- Windows 7 will stroke your hair and tell you you’re pretty handsome, so very very pretty handsome. Like Rock Hudson handsome.
- Windows 7 comes preconfigured to know that when you’re weeping at the keyboard, it should bring up pictures of a cat with mittens. (It’s that smart!)
- Windows 7 has been infused with the soul of any deceased relatives you were close with. LOOKOUT grandma, I’m searching for furry fetish message boards, you’d better prepared to see a Muppet getting ass-pounded!
- Windows 7 will help you find a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or if you already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it’ll make your car payments for you. If you’re married, it will make you lose weight and slowly gather incriminating evidence against your spouse, preparing you for the big, big day. You know, the big day you put your bags in the car and head for Sarasota without looking back. Fuck your job, bills, friends, family, your husband is a deadbeat loser with crying issues and it’s time to start the life you’ve always wanted. With Windows 7.
- If you’re from Montana, it will make your penis larger or vagina tighter. (Something about electromagnetic frequencies in that area. The Montana area, I mean, not the groin area. Like latitude and longitude or whatever.)
- The packaging smells a bit like Sandalwood, whatever that is. Maybe kind of like old dress shoes.
- It looks away and turns its screensaver on when you rub your privates against corners of furniture in the room for long periods of time.
- Windows 7 can help you move furniture, or if you’ve already got lots of help moving to your new place, it’ll buy you some beer while you’re working, and even throw the occasional insult at you while you work (if you turn that option on).
- Windows 7 will help you write memes in your blogs. Wicked rad memes!
Well that’s all for now, I’ll probably be liveblogging from the lineup outside the store tomorrow morning, so stay tuned!
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